My preschooler is out of control. What can I do?

The second year of your child’s life is often called the “Terrible Twos.” Preschoolers are often dubbed “Threenagers.” So, what can you do when your preschooler is out of control?

The preschool years can be challenging for both children and parents, for several reasons. Preschool-aged children are going through significant developmental milestones including language development, social skills and cognitive growth. These developmental leaps can lead to frustration, confusion and experimentation as children navigate their new abilities and experiences. 

Preschoolers begin to assert their independence and autonomy, which can result in power struggles and intense conflicts with parents and caregivers. They may resist adult guidance and assert their preferences and opinions. If you’ve ever given a preschooler the “wrong” colour fork, you’ve undoubtedly experienced a seemingly over-the-top reaction.

Keep in mind that preschoolers are learning to express themselves effectively. Still, they don’t have the emotional regulation skills yet to do so or to express feelings in a way adults are comfortable with. This can cause parents to feel their preschooler is “out of control.” The good news is there are ways parents can help navigate this challenging behaviour.

Take a deep breath and remain calm, even if the situation feels ridiculous to you. Your calm demeanour can help de-escalate your child’s emotions and model effective self-regulation.

• Communicate clear and age-appropriate expectations for behaviour, emphasizing positive behaviour and boundaries. Use simple language and provide concrete examples to help the child understand what is expected of them.
  
• Redirect the child’s attention away from the challenging behaviour and towards a more appropriate activity or distraction. Offer alternative choices or activities that are engaging and help channel their energy in a positive direction.
  
• Praise and encourage positive behaviour whenever you observe it, however small. Offer specific and immediate praise, such as, “Thank you for sharing your cookie with your brother.” Positive reinforcement can motivate children to repeat desirable behaviours.
  
• Establish a predictable daily routine with consistent meal times, nap times and bedtime routines. Predictability and structure can help reduce anxiety and uncertainty, which may contribute to challenging behaviour.
  
• Give your child opportunities to make choices within limits, empowering them to feel a sense of control and autonomy. For example, offer choices about what to wear, which toy to play with or which activity to do next. If it’s bath time, for example, instead of saying “It’s time for your bath,” try asking, “Would you like to have a bath with bubbles today or with no bubbles?”
• Notice the bath is not an option, but the bubbles are, making your preschooler feel that they have some control over the bathtime. 
  
• Instead of traditional timeouts, consider using a “time-in” approach where you stay with the child in a calm and supportive manner while they calm down and regain self-control. Use this time to offer comfort, reassurance and guidance.
  
• Be a positive role model by demonstrating patience, empathy and respectful communication in your interactions with the child. Model the behaviours you want to see. When you are upset or frustrated, tell your child how you are feeling: “Mommy is feeling upset because my favourite coffee mug broke.” 

If challenging behaviour persists or becomes overwhelming, seek support from a pediatrician, child psychologist, or behavioural therapist who can provide guidance, strategies, and resources tailored to your child’s specific needs and your family’s circumstances.

It’s important to remember that challenging behaviour is a normal part of child development and often reflects unmet needs, emotions or developmental milestones. By responding with patience, empathy, and consistency, parents can help preschoolers to develop effective coping skills for managing their emotions into the adult years.