It seems inevitable that, as young as grade-school level, we gravitate toward kids with whom we share similar interests. I had friends in the drama club and school newspaper because those were the social groups that I was involved in. However, now that Iโm a mom to a four-year-old, Iโm amazed to see that, even in daycare, the kids are segregating themselves into their own little groups.
And I wondered, is this a good thing?
On the one hand, my son was extremely enamoured with his core circle of friends (whom happened to all be girls), so I was relieved โ he seemed to have nice kids to hang out and play with, and despite the odd toddler spat (โSo-and-so didnโt play with me today because I couldnโt sing the song from Trollsโ), they all got along beautifully.
But, at the same time, I didnโt like to think that maybe he was excluding other kids by being in his newfound โcliqueโ. Itโs nice to have friends, but what about the kids who havenโt yet found friends or cliques โ maybe he should be encouraged to play with those children too?
Jacqueline Sanderson is an RECE (Registered Early Childhood Educator) at a YMCA daycare program in Guelph, Ont. She said that kids start forming cliques from a very young age, and that itโs neither a good thing nor a bad. โItโs not a positive or a negative โ itโs the natural flow to forming personalities,โ she explained. โThe children are just deciding what theyโre interested in and finding kids who are into those same things. As they get older and start to become exclusive and maybe stop letting others join in, then you can have a conversation about having empathy for those around them.โ
For now, she monitors how the children interact with their peers who are outside their designated cliques. โIโll listen for a few minutes to see what is being saidโฆ if I hear, โI donโt want to be your friend because you pushed me,โ then theyโre kids having a conflict and they will workย it out,โ she said. โBut if they say, โI donโt want to be your friendโ and walk away, Iโll ask what happened. But generally, kids are very friendly.โ
Dr. Yaniv Elharrar is a child psychologist and one of the founders of the West Island Therapy Centre, located just outside of Montreal, Que. He, too, said that cliques are a part of growing up and learning social skills within friendships. โEstablishing friendships are key and important when kids are young โ thatโs when kids develop those skills of making friends, understanding what friendships entail, and they do so by playing and being together with friends,โ he said. โBy itself a clique isnโt necessarily a bad thing. Children will have an affinity for certain kids over others because they have common interests or are at their development level. But unless the child seems unhappy with their peer group, adults shouldnโt intervene. Let it occur naturally.โ After all, he pointed out, we wouldnโt want someone dictating to us who weโre allowed to be friends with.
The important thing to ensure as parents is that our children are in healthy peer groups, where theyโre content and allowed to be themselves without compromising who they are. โIf theyโre not learning inappropriate behaviour, thatโs great,โ Elharrar said. โItโs healthy to be in those groups because they will learn what it is to socialize and learn how to socialize well. In the end, there are a lot of benefits to cliques.โ
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, Summer 2017.
