Grandparenting today looks a lot different from previous generations. Longer lifespans, later retirements, new parenting styles and the digital age have all reshaped the role. Kathy Buckworth reflects on how things have changed in the third instalment of Grandparenting Unfiltered.
When it comes to writing the book on grandparenting, which I just did, I think it’s important to understand what our expectations are for being a grandparent. If we base it on the relationship and experience we had with our own grandparents, we might find that things have changed…a lot. When I sat down to write What a Big Mouth You Have, Grandma, I reflected on the many ways I had corrected myself (or was corrected by others) when my first grandchild came along. That was in 2019. I now have four grandkids, and our world is continually evolving.
We are living a lot longer than our grandparents did. There are more great-grandparents around, as our parents are living longer as well. We are perhaps retiring later. Gone are the days of “Freedom 55,” both from an affordability perspective as well as a desirability one. We might have to work longer; we might want to work longer. That means grandparents who might have been willing to take on some daycare for the grandkids simply can’t due to conflicting schedules or finances.
Some of us are living a healthier lifestyle. This is a positive thing, because if we are more active, we can do more active things with our grandkids. We can get them out hiking, biking, exploring and even travelling outside our cities, provinces, and countries.
What stops us from doing this? Another new development (versus our grandparents) is the internet and the devices we use to attach ourselves to it. “Digital dementia” is a term describing an older adult who spends an extreme amount of time on their device (smartphone, tablet, laptop) playing games or scrolling social media. They might be ignoring their grandchildren while they are caring for them and might encourage indoor digital play for everyone. This is anti-social and limited in physical movement.
The other thing that the internet has delivered to us all is an endless supply of parenting theories, judgmental parenting remarks and the pressures of social media to not only keep up with the Joneses (and their grandkids) but to make sure that we are posting appropriately, as deemed to be by our children, our grandkids’ parents.
All grandparents who want to have healthy relationships with their kids and grandkids should be learning about and respecting the style of parenting their kids are employing; otherwise, it can be like speaking a foreign language. Do you know what Gentle Parenting, Persuasive Parenting and FAFO Parenting are? I explain it all in my book, and it is important that you recognize the parenting style that your kids are deploying with their kids.
Back in the day, my mother didn’t work outside the house until all four of us were in school, and even then, it was mostly part-time. Today, many parents both work outside the house, so there is an increased demand for daycare by the parents.
Should a grandparent today feel guilty about not being a caregiver to their grandkids as their grandparents might have been? Absolutely not. If you can help out, that’s a wonderful privilege for you and your kids and grandkids. But if you’re still working full-time as well, have health challenges, or have financial reasons for not being able to help out (or maybe you just don’t want to), it’s your life and you have to live it the way you see fit. It’s a great idea to have the conversation about daycare expectations with your kids before the grandkids arrive.
Is it okay to fall back on old grandparenting styles you saw your grandparents using? Well, sometimes. If it’s sneaking the grandkids an extra cookie or letting them stay up late, just make sure you have prior permission from the parents. If it’s slipping brandy into the baby bottle or going to the neighbours and leaving a child home alone with an open phone line as the babysitter, absolutely not.
Just remember: it’s not called “grand” parenting for nothing. Check in with your kids on what you’re doing, and you’ll be just grand. Kathy’s book is available at Indigo, Amazon, Friesen Press and where books are sold. Visit www.bigmouthgrandma.com for more information.
Kathy Buckworth is the award-winning author of six parenting books, including I Am So The Boss Of You (McClelland & Stewart). She is the Go-To Grandma on Breakfast Television (Toronto), CHCH Morning Live and the host and creator of the Go-To Grandma podcast, available on iTunes. She has written for hundreds of publications, print and online, and is absolutely thrilled to graduate from parenting contributor to grandparenting columnist with Parents Canada. She has four regular kids and four amazing grandkids.
