In the sixth instalment of the Heart of the Matter, Carina and Matt unpack the emotional tug-of-war of parental jealousyโhow to spot it, what it really means and how to turn it into something powerful.
This month's reader question is certainly relatable to…well, anyone who has social media. Or has ever had social media. Or who has spent five minutes scrolling social media:
How do I stop comparing myself to other parents who seem to be doing it all better?
Carina here to start us off. When I had my first baby, I was so lost. Iโm choking up even now thinking about it.
Growing up, I was an only child of an only child with no cousins, no church, no big family gatherings where babies were passed around like bread baskets at the dinner table. So when I had my daughter, it was like being dropped into a new country with no map, no compass and no clue how to speak the language. I often felt like I was living with a tiny alien, trying desperately to decipher her language that was made entirely of crying.
I spent my days alone with her while my ex was at work, and with no family or money for childcare, I spent my nights alone tooโIโd moved to the couch because my ex slept like the dead with zero protective instincts for co-sleeping, and our daughter wouldnโt settle unless I was right beside her. At the same time we were trying to renovate a house we hadnโt even moved into yet. Sometimes I was so tired I thought I would die.
The logistics were laughable but I wasnโt laughing. I didnโt have a village. I barely had a phone list.
That Picture-Perfect Moment? Not the Whole Story
Fast forward several years: There had been some big changes, including another baby coming along.
When our eldest was turning five, we decided to go out for dinner to celebrate. The four of us sat in a neighbourhood restaurant: me, our five-year-old, her baby brother and their dad. I remember it was a nice evening.
A few days later, another mom from school came up to me in the yard. Sheโd been at the same restaurant that night, eating alone, and said, โI just have to tell youโฆ how do you do it? I wish my family could go out and have such a nice time like that.โ
Iโll never forget the look on her face when I told her my ex and I had just separated. Weโd called a truce for our daughter's birthday and stayed inside the lines of what worked. We didnโt ask too much of the night, or each other, and we got through it with zero disasters and actually had a pretty good time. The mom and I had a laugh at how things arenโt necessarily how they look.
And thatโs the takeaway.
Donโt mistake someoneโs good moment for their whole life.
That happy Instagram story or fun restaurant dinner might be real, but itโs not the whole picture. Everyone has private heartbreaks. Everyoneโs doing their best with what theyโve got. And every family moves through rupture. The real measure of success isnโt how perfect things look, it's how you move through repair.
Parental Jealousy Isnโt LogicalโBut Itโs Still Real
Iโll bet you know this, and yet the experience of jealousy will still come up. Itโs not a logical emotion, itโs a hot visceral reaction! So letโs look at that energy and emotion of jealousy, because hereโs what we want you to know: Jealousy can either be the green-headed monster that points at your failings, or it can call you forward into your desires.
Because sometimes youโre right. The person youโre comparing yourself to really is doing something better. Maybe they have more family to help. Maybe they grew up around kids. Maybe they just got some sleep last night.
But when you see that thingโthat skill or that experience you wish you hadโyou get to make a choice. You can let it mean youโre a failure and a terrible parent… or you can let it mean you have new possibilities and skills you want to call in.
Parenting is a skill set. Itโs also experience. Itโs also support. And privilege. And personality. And a whole mix of things no one can see on the surface.
So even if you've twisted yourself into a guilt pretzel or fallen into a shame spiral (we've been there—we get it!), we have a mindset shift for you to consider:
Jealousy does not mean youโre a failure. Itโs a call to learning and growing.
Turning Parental Jealousy into Growth
Matt taking the wheel here.
So, the mindset shift out of jealousy is made of two repeating steps:
Step one is validation. Step two is possibility.
Step One: Witness Yourself Honestly
The first step is clearly naming what youโre feeling: jealousy. Let yourself feel the *ouch* of it while validating your experience. โThis is really hard.โ โI wish I had more help.โ โThey really look like they know how to do that better than I do.โ
This step isnโt about wallowingโitโs about witnessing. Itโs consciously feeling what you feel while acknowledging whatโs so.
Step Two: Shift from Jealousy to Curiosity
When jealousy shows up, itโs because something inside you is pointing at what you want. But if you keep the lens locked on what you lack, youโll miss the opportunity hidden in plain sight.
So instead of staying in, โUgh, theyโre such a better parent than me,โ try shifting into, โWhat is it about what theyโre doing that I admire?โ Is it the patience? The laughter? The confidence?
Then point that energy away from self-blame and toward desire.
It sounds like, โI want more of that.โ
That little sentence is so key. It's where the shift begins, and itโs a whole different feeling from desperate jealousy. Because โI want thatโ is the opposite of shame. Itโs a calling-in of your growth, not your guilt.
We all start somewhere, and you donโt need to know everything today. โI want more of thatโ naturally leads you to start asking yourself how you can get more of that goodness to show up in your world.
When your nervous system calms down, your creativity naturally starts to rise and your intuition will start to tell you your next steps for what you want. Then, instead of jealousy pulling you under, you would shift it into admirationโand let it call you forward into positive action, one step at a time.
If your brain has shifted into perfectionism and the story that only big changes make a difference, this is your chance to know from the bottom of our hearts that this could be something small like taking a nap with your kid or packing extra snacks that day, or a bigger step like changing your bedtime routine.
P.S. If youโre craving more love and less jealousy in your life, check out our free 7-Day Love Infusion seriesโquick, low-lift 5-minute bursts of believing in yourself you can fit into even the busiest day.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliardโyour go-to relationship experts whoโve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate resultsโeven in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.
