In this instalment of our monthly relationship column, The Heart of the Matter, Matt Hilliard and Carina Reeves dig into letting go of stay-at-home parent guilt and embracing your caregiver role with confidence and peace. Be sure to scroll to the end for a meditation created just for you.

I’ve been experiencing stay-at-home parent guilt while my partner goes out to work every day. I know we’ve agreed to this arrangement, but I still struggle with feeling like I’m not contributing enough. How do I reconcile this guilt and feel more at peace with our roles?

We hear you. And please know—you’re not alone here. This feeling of guilt that you’re not doing enough is incredibly common. It’s like a secret so many people have but no one admits.

Why Stay-at-Home Parent Guilt Shows Up—Even When It Makes Sense

There are lots of different ways stay-at-home parenting guilt can be intensified. Do any of these scenarios ring a bell?

Your partner doesn’t like their job (and has expressed the pressure they’re feeling over having to go to work), so your guilt might be saying, “How dare you enjoy your time at home with the kids?”

Or maybe your partner thinks you should be getting a job, and that you staying home with the kids means you’re being lazy and have it too easy.

Or maybe your mother had to work, so your guilt might be saying, “What right do you have to stay at home when your mom had such a hard time?”

Or it might even be that your best friend wishes she could stay home with her kids, and your guilt over her lack of choice is making things feel strained and awkward right when you need her most.

Complicated, right? Well, because we can’t ask you about the source of your guilt directly, we’ve decided to zoom out and look at the bigger picture of our Western culture and society.

Society Has Devalued Caregiving—And That Hurts Parents

At the root of many sources of parenting guilt and pressure is how society has devalued the incredible contribution and importance of caregiving. This leaves parents, most often women, to doubt the value of spending time away from money-making work.

First, it’s helpful to look at some pragmatics. The truth is, someone has to take care of the kids! And unless you have family members nearby with the time and willingness to be full-time caregivers, you’re going to have to pay someone to do it. For many families, that second income is simply swallowed up by the enormous cost of childcare, so the “making more money and being more of a contributor” math doesn’t actually add up. If this is your situation, take a breath and take in the idea that the value of you staying home is at least as valuable in monetary terms as an income.

The Trap Women Fall Into: The Myth of “Having It All”

Now, let’s take a closer look at what’s often unspoken in questions like yours: There is a society belief that paid work, with external productivity, income and tax contribution, is essential for parents—especially women—to feel valued and in control.

We’re living in a time where generations of women were raised with the belief that they could “have it all”—the career, the partner, the family. And not only that, but they should have it all in order to be properly fulfilled.

This sounds worthy and empowering, right?

Harsh truth: One of the subconscious beliefs of the “You can have it all” promise is that it undervalues childcare and parenting. That “having it all” is fulfilling for all women, and “just” being a mom isn’t enough.

And the reality is, if a woman should have it all, then she must have the infinite energy to carry and birth a baby, and be a caring mother while excelling in her career at the same time. In other words, parenting isn’t enough on its own (nor is the choice to not have children and focus on career, by the way). Therefore, all of those things should be done at the same time for true fulfillment and to be making a meaningful contribution.

Exhausting! And impossible without serious amounts of help.

Your Presence Has Power: What Kids Gain from Consistent, Loving Care

We heard time and again from our clients about the societal perspective that caregiving is not as important as other kinds of work.

Let’s take a minute and look at the benefits of consistent, thoughtful childcare for your kids (and ultimately for society in general).

Your kids can learn and grow in so many ways with a loving, consistent caregiver, including the following:

  • Greater confidence, resilience and emotional regulation, which can translate to higher self-esteem
  • Stronger language and problem-solving skills
  • Better overall health and lower risk of infant mortality
  • Improved academic performance
  • Increased ability to form secure, healthy relationships in adulthood

That’s an amazing, valuable stack of benefits, right? Remember that.

Let Go of Guilt—You’re Allowed to Feel at Peace

Now here’s the mindset shift that’s waiting for you, dear readers:

While your partner is at work, what if you aren’t taking more than you deserve? What if you are giving the incredible invaluable gift of providing that wonderful stack of benefits for your kids with your consistent childcare presence? What if you, by staying home, are helping your kids thrive with your secure and present childcare?

These children are more likely to become stable, compassionate and capable adults. That’s a gift to society, to future generations—and to you and your partner, who will get to watch your children grow into emotionally well-rounded humans.

When you see that the goal is to provide the best care you can for your kids, whether that’s finding the best neighbourhood daycare or for you to be a stay-at-home parent, the next step is to put down society's narrative and pressures and let yourself believe in yourself as a provider in whatever capacity your family needs.

And here’s something else: You might feel guilty for being happier or less stressed than friends who are stretched too thin, or even than your partner who may not love his job. But here’s another shift: You are allowed to love what you are creating. Just because others are struggling doesn’t mean you have to match their suffering. Your joy doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you a resource, and that's also a gift you give to your family.

The best gift you can give yourself and your kids is to be okay, and even loving yourself, where you are—because it works for you and your kids, and you’re allowed to receive that. Even when it’s a challenge for other people in your life.

💗 With that in mind, we love a good, actionable tool, so we created something just for you—a short, powerful mindset meditation designed to help you reconnect with your own enough-ness. In a world that constantly pushes the message that you should be doing more, this meditation is your invitation to pause, breathe and fully receive the goodness of what you are building in your home and in your life.

Take a moment for yourself. You deserve it. Click here to head to Facebook Messenger so our friendly Heart of the Matter bot can send it straight to you!

About Matt and Carina

Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.

Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).

Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.