We all lose our cool sometimes—but what matters most is how we reconnect with our kids afterward. For our fifth instalment of The Heart of the Matter, we've got a step-by-step guide for how to repair after yelling at your kids.
This month's reader question:
I feel awful when I've lost it on my kids, even though I know it happens to everyone. What’s the best way to repair after I’ve yelled at them?
Matt here. When my kids were younger, I remember how rage would course through my body when I was at the end of my rope. It was a rage fuelled by impotence—how could I raise them, guide them and nurture them if they didn’t listen to me? How could we avoid meltdowns and crises if I couldn’t make them see the lunacy of loading up with more sugar, or of not going to sleep when they had to be up for school in the morning? I had to show up for work tomorrow, on which this whole enterprise of our life depended, for pete’s sake!
I remember once yelling at my daughter—my tiny daughter of four—at the end of my tether. It was only a few hours later, after I'd stepped away and taken deep breaths, that I could put myself in her shoes.
I could see her as a little person who just wanted to keep playing and stay in her flow. I could see how terrifying it must have been to her to have her dad, who she depended on for her survival and love, towering over her, in the cocoon of her bedroom, shrieking at her. I saw that in that moment I was trying, if I’m being really honest with myself, to break her down.
I grew up in a house where there was no shouting, where disagreements were handled quietly if at all. I never witnessed an argument being repaired between my parents. I only ever received an apology from my mum once or twice, and they were apologies combined with justifications for why she’d done what she’d done. A simple ‘sorry’ was deemed sufficient, and that was the end of it. You couldn’t expect more and so I didn’t. I didn’t even realize that anything more was possible.
The Power of a Genuine Repair
Unlike what most of us were taught, and what most of us teach our children, ‘sorry’ on its own is just part of the repair.
We love this question, because it tells us that you know yelling at your kids isn’t the best version of you. It’s not the version of you that you imagined when you pictured your future family.
And we also love it because it shows that you want to reconnect with your kids, to let them know that it wasn’t the best version of you who showed up at that moment, and that your connection with them matters more than defending your actions. By repairing with them, you’re not only teaching them that the repair—coming back into a loving connection with them—is possible, but you’re modelling how to do it.
You’re daring to show them that adults are flawed and make mistakes too, and that life isn’t about perfection—it’s about letting ourselves be human and cleaning up our messes with love.
What Kids Need to Hear From You
Carina jumping in here. One of the simplest, yet most powerful ways Matt and I repair our adult relationship is by following the steps of a feedback process that we learned from therapist Terry Real. We’ve adapted it here to use with your kids for ages seven and up. For really little ones, use the same framework with simpler words.
The first step is to get clear with yourself what behaviour of your own that you want to acknowledge and take full responsibility for. Name for yourself ahead of time what you did that you wished you hadn’t, and what you realize now you could have done instead.
Next, ask your kid for some time together to talk about what happened. It might sound like, “Hey, I’m really sad that I (name the behaviour) with you earlier, and I’d like to apologize. Could we chat for a few minutes now, or is later better?” Notice that this bid includes three key pieces of consent: when, what it’s about and how long they can expect the conversation to be. If they look worried, reassure them that they aren’t in trouble, and that you love them. If you remember, add in a sprinkling of actions that match your child’s love language, like giving them a hug or telling them how awesome they are.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Reconnecting
When it’s time for the conversation, take a deep breath, smile, offer affection (if they like that) and then take full responsibility for what you did—without any justification. Also take a moment to share what you see by stepping into their shoes and acknowledging what you imagine their experience might have been like. For example: “I yelled at you and said some really disrespectful things. I’m so sorry. I imagine it must have felt really unfair/hurtful/scary, like I didn’t care about you.”
Next, ask for their experience and give them time to share. It might sound something like “Did I get that right? Is that what it felt like for you?” Really listen and give them space to respond. You might get a nod, or nothing at all. Let that be okay.
Take a moment to really be with them and their response, feeling into where you might have had a similar experience, and then validate them. “It makes sense that you felt hurt and scared, and that you’re angry at me right now.” Even if there’s no response, knowing there’s space for them to respond is powerful.
Now, say what you are going to do going forward so that it doesn’t happen again, and get whatever support you need so you can follow through. You might say, “I want you to know that how I behaved isn’t okay with me either. Starting now, I promise I will take a few minutes to calm down so I don’t yell and make things worse.”
Over the next few days and weeks, keep tabs on yourself and your relationship with your kiddo. Notice if the interactions between you are calmer and more connected, if the trust is palpable, or if you might like to invite your child into sharing some more. Sometimes this level of repair rebuilds trust right away, and sometimes it can take a while. Sit with that, and your energy will not only feel more approachable for your kids, it will be less stressful for you to hold.
You can do this. We know you can. Your family is lucky to have a parent who cares, who wants feelings to be shared and acknowledged, and who wants to reconnect and repair when things get hard. Generational change starts right here, and you are doing it. Most people need help and practice expanding their capacity as parents. It’s one of the biggest challenges there is. Meditation or physical exercise are both helpful, but the main thing is to have a space where you are present and aware of yourself.
If you’d like to see this version of repair in action, click this link for a video of Matt and Carina doing a live repair, a review of the steps and a cheat sheet for when you’re having the conversation.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.
