A new study suggests that parents do often have a favourite child. Factors like birth order, gender and personality play a role in shaping parental favouritism. But is it harmful? Here's what the research has to say.

Ask adults with siblings if their parents had a favourite child, and you’ll no doubt get an eye roll and an exasperated “yes.” Or, if you happen to be asking the favourite child, the answer might come with a smirk and a “Not really” or “I don’t think so.” Parents themselves will rarely admit to having a favourite child because, for one, it’s hurtful. Or maybe they don’t want to confront the truth.

But the fact is, there’s often a favourite child. And most parents can feel it, even if they don’t want to own up to it.

So, ultimately, the question isn’t whether favouritism exists (it does), but rather, why does it happen? And—what we all want to know—how harmful is it? A study published last month in the American Psychological Association’s Psychological Bulletin attempts to give us some answers.

Why Parental Favouritism Happens

The answer to this question really isn’t that hard. Much like choosing friends, parents gravitate toward children with pleasant personalities and common interests. But there are other factors to consider as well. The aforementioned study, a joint venture between Western University in London, ON, and Brigham Young University in Provo, UT, analysed responses from 19,500 participants across 30 studies and 14 unpublished databases from Canada, the US and Western Europe between 2015 and 2022. Surprisingly, the study revealed that birth order played a significant role. Younger siblings received slightly more favourable treatment, as elder children tend to be more independent. In the unsurprising column, though, is the finding that parents tend to favour children who are more agreeable, conscientious and easier to parent.

I’m the Baby, Gotta Love Me—Right? Not Always

If you’re the youngest child, you’ve probably been teased your whole life for getting your way, enjoying more parental leniency, and so on—all signs pointing to you as the natural favourite. And if you’re the oldest, you’ve probably saved 4000 memes about being the oldest child and taking on more responsibility earlier in life (oldest daughters are having a moment on Instagram as we speak). But the study concluded that the indulgence of younger kids versus the autonomy of older ones doesn’t necessarily correlate to parental favouritism. In some families, the independence of the older child is revered, while in others, the youngest is doted on well into adulthood.

In addition to birth order, the study also found that gender plays a role in parental preference. Researchers concluded that parents were slightly more likely to favour daughters over sons (though the reasons for this aren’t exactly clear). It’s suggested that this might stem from societal norms, with girls often being perceived as easier to manage (though apparently, no one has encountered a teenage girl in the wild). That said, of all the factors, gender-based preferences seemed to matter less than birth order or personality traits.

How Parental Favouritism Impacts Family Dynamics

It may seem harmless to have a favourite child—especially if you’re aware of your bias and work hard to manage it. But research shows that children who perceive they’re being treated differently (even if it’s for the better) experience negative emotional consequences. The non-favourite children may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and resentment, while the favoured child may face pressure to live up to parental expectations. There’s a name for this—parental differential treatment (PDT)—and when it’s an obvious theme in families, the mental health outcomes show it. It’s imperative that parents acknowledge that their words and actions can have a lasting emotional impact and work to mitigate imbalances in the household and their approach to parenting.

Parental Favouritism Isn’t Always Negative—As Long As You’re Aware

Listen, it’s not all bad. You’re likely to have stronger bonds with children who share specific traits or temperaments. The key is ensuring that your preferences don’t manifest in ways that cause harm or division among siblings. You can gravitate toward one child without undermining your other children, and you can (and should) go out of your way to create attachments with all of your children, regardless of their hobbies, activities or personality types. You may have an easy, natural connection with one child, but that just means your other kids need to see and feel your efforts.

At the end of the day, favouritism in parenting is as natural as it is complicated. It's important for parents to recognize the subtle dynamics that shape family relationships and strive for balance. After all, every child deserves to feel equally valued, even if their parents’ hearts pull them in different directions.