Natural Consequences Parenting Gets a Bad Rap — But Why?

Natural consequences parenting—sometimes referred to as F*ck Around and Find Out parenting these days—means allowing kids to be uncomfortable. Is this okay?

My youngest daughter, Juliette, is a kid who has to see for herself. She always has been. As a toddler, I would tell her over and over again not to do things: “Juliette, don’t climb that, you’re going to fall” or “Jules, I think you’re a bit too little for that slide… why don’t you come and try this smaller one?” or “Honey, those kids don’t seem into sharing right now. Come over here and I’ll push you on the swings instead.” She’s now 10, and I’ve spent the better part of that decade trying to protect her from trips to the emergency room, from hurt feelings, from wild animals (you think I’m kidding but I’m really not—this is the kid who once tried to hug a peacock at the Toronto Zoo).

I’m not going to lie—having a child who is intent on learning things the hard way is challenging. Especially for an anxiety-prone mama like me. But a couple of weeks ago, I had an epiphany.

Juliette checks the weather every morning and reports back on whether or not she thinks she should have to wear [insert weather-appropriate item of clothing here]. So many arguments start this way and end with me losing my patience and demanding she put on whatever item of outerwear she’s resisting. It’s exhausting and frustrating and a terrible start to the day. I’ve tried so many things: sticker charts, doing the weather check with her, giving her a choice between two different options of coat or mitts or toque or whatever. Nothing works.

So, on an overcast April day that called for a downpour right as we’d be getting to school, Juliette pushed back on wearing a water-resistant coat, rain boots, an umbrella… anything that would keep her dry. It was just not going to rain, she thought, no matter what her mother or the weather app said. So, with my patience sapped, I just said okay. She went out the door in a tracksuit and runners.

But by the time we got to school, the skies had opened up and there was no way she was getting through the doors without getting drenched.

“Mommy, can you bring me my boots and coat?” she asked me.

“Nope, sorry, Jules, I have to get to a meeting,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

“BUT I’M GOING TO GET WET,” she said incredulously.

“Yep, you are,” I said. “And that’s the natural consequence of not wearing a proper coat or footwear.”

“Well, will you bring me some dry clothes when you get back from your meeting?”

“Nope. Sorry. I can’t come back here today.”

My friends, I’ve since learned that this is what you call FAFO—F*ck Around and Find Out—parenting and I am here for it.

What Exactly is FAFO or Natural Consequences Parenting?

FAFO parenting is essentially the modern (read: cheekier) rebrand of letting natural consequences do the teaching. It’s not about being neglectful or cruel, but rather about stepping back enough to let kids make their own decisions—and that includes troubleshooting negative outcomes. When a child refuses gloves on a cold day, skips out on studying for a test or forgets something after being reminded 47 times, FAFO parenting means you don’t intervene to rescue or prevent discomfort. Instead, you allow them to “find out” what happens next. It’s not punitive—it’s experiential. And while the acronym is funny, the philosophy behind it is rooted in self-regulation, independence, resilience and learning through lived experience.

How Do You Keep Kids Safe When You're Letting Them See for Themselves?

The key with FAFO parenting is knowing where to draw the line. Natural consequences are valuable, but not at the expense of your child’s safety or well-being. You don’t let your kid wander into traffic to learn about road safety, and you wouldn’t let a six-year-old play with matches just because they want to test a theory. It’s about controlled risk, not chaos.

Here’s a good guideline: If the lesson will be memorable but not traumatic—and it won’t put their physical or emotional health in jeopardy—it’s probably a safe FAFO moment. For younger kids, that might look like letting them get a little muddy or cold. For older kids, it could mean letting them bomb a math quiz after ignoring your advice to study. You’re still parenting, just with more restraint—and ideally, less yelling and frustration for you.

The Interesting Outcomes of FAFO

I’d like to say that that one rainy morning changed the trajectory of Juliette’s propensity to FAFO, but overall it hasn’t. She’s still a kid who needs to try everything on for size. But I have noticed something interesting since that downpour. Instead of pushing back on weather-appropriate clothing, she packs her knapsack with “what if” options. She brings an extra sweater in case it’s cold, shorts in case it’s too hot for pants, an extra pair of socks should her feet get wet, a little foldable umbrella… Nope, she’s not taking her mother’s word for anything, but she’s not trying to make it my problem either. The fact that she’s just making sure she’s prepared is a completely acceptable solution to me.

Would I love her to just listen for once in her life and wear the damn raincoat? Sure. But this is a close second and true to who my kid is at her core. If that’s not a win, I don’t know what is.