Our readers all want to be better parents, and emotional regulation is an important part of that. For this instalment of the Heart of the Matter, relationship coaches Matt and Carina tackle how parents and kids can learn together.
I was never taught how to process emotionsโhow can I help my kids when Iโm still learning myself?
Your question strikes at a couple of key aspects of parenting, reader. Itโs beautiful that you want to learn to process your emotions as well as help your kids do the same, and it sounds like you donโt think you can teach them until youโve got it all figured out yourselfโthatโs a lot of pressure!
But the fact that you know the importance of emotional regulation, of processing your emotions, and have the resourcefulness to ask questions and seek support (hello ParentsCanada!) is more than enough to get you started. Trust us.
As parents and professional coaches, weโve seen (and lived) how kids learn as much from what we model, consciously or not, as from what we say. โDo what I say not what I doโ just doesnโt cut itโotherwise parenting would be a whole lot easier! And, by being a beginner yourself, thereโs actually a wonderful opportunity here for you to help your kids learn in two major areas that will pay dividends throughout their lives.
Letโs look first at where weโve come fromโฆ
Why Learning How to Process Emotions Is Important
Our society has come a long way in terms of understanding emotions. Itโs becoming common now to recognize that itโs healthier to know what you're feeling and process it (was the term โemotional availabilityโ even a thing a decade ago?).
Many of us were raised by parents and caregivers who had inherited the limited emotional literacy of the generation before. They were doing the best they could but had very little skill in knowing, processing or sharing their feelings (otherwise known as “emotional regulation”).
This was the generation of โboys donโt cry,โ โpull yourself together,โ โIโll give you something to cry aboutโ and โget over it.โ
Personally, between the two of us, one of us experienced a home where voices were never raised and anger was โnegative and had no purpose,โ yet there were deep undercurrents of unresolved tension, and the other grew up in a home where voices were raised and any resolution or repair was unseen.
(Matt here. I only learned to name and connect with my emotions as an adult, after my first child was born. I felt like I was back in kindergarten, but I realized I was missing a major piece in my upbringing that I needed in order to feel more fully human. I didnโt want my son to have the same lack of connection to himself.)
(Carina here. I am still learning how to move through big feelings with kindness and patience to myself and others, which was not modeled to me as a kid. Iโve realized that being able to recognize what Iโm feeling, as well as not losing my bigger sense of self in those feelings, is what I need to stay connected in relationships.)
An emphasis on emotional literacy is increasingly crucial for fulfillment and success in all areas of life, like work and relationships. Emotional literacy decreases stress and anxiety and helps your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for logic and decision-making) to stay present instead of being hijacked by the primal part of your brain–whose only options are fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
That means you can respond and make decisions with a cooler, clearer head, making all the difference between a complicated moment with your kids, sibling, partner, in-laws, colleagues or boss escalating into conflict, or remaining something you can navigate with more grace and reason.
Now letโs look at the second areaโฆ
You Donโt Need to Wait Until Youโve Got It All Figured Out
This kind of learning is something you can do together with your kids! Learning to process emotions is something you can only learn by doing it, and itโs often a clumsy process. But doing it clumsily is better than not doing it at all.
The trick is to go slow and be kind and patient with yourself, which means youโll be modeling that for your kids too.
What Does โProcessing Emotionsโ Actually Mean?
Here are a few simple practices you can use for yourself โ and model for your kids:
1. Name your emotion.
The act of naming an emotionโwhether itโs your own or your childโsโis often the first and most powerful step.
It might sound weird, but emotions like being witnessed. Naming them helps us to metabolize them and often shows us our next step.
Try naming your emotion next time youโre feeling something:
โIโm happy.โ
โIโm frustrated.โ
โIโm ashamed.โ
Just say it to yourself โ and notice what happens.
You can also say something out loud in front of your child:
โSeeing you be kind to your brother today made me feel happy.โ
โIโm noticing Iโm starting to feel frustrated.โ
This helps your child learn about emotional states, and make connections between the labels of emotions (like happy, frustrated) and the emotional state they see you experiencing. This will make it easier for them to do for themselves.
BONUS TIP: Hereโs a powerful additional step. Itโs about modeling simple ways to regulate uncomfortable emotions that your kids will pick up on too.
โIโm noticing Iโm starting to feel frustrated. Iโm going to go have a glass of water and Iโll be back in a minute.โ
By doing this, not only are you avoiding a sticky moment getting stickier, youโre showing that itโs okay to take a moment, disengage from a challenging situation and do something soothing to calm your nervous systemโand modeling that youโll be back! Itโs a priceless moment the first time your kid does this for themselves.
2. Name their emotion.
You can gently reflect their emotional state for them so they begin to be aware, connect with it and label it:
โIt sounds like youโre really angry at your brother. Is that right?โ
โYou must have been really scared when you were looking for us and couldnโt find us. Is that right?โ
This kind of mirroring builds their emotional vocabulary and their self-awareness.
3. Notice the sensation in your body.
This is a powerfully effective step that we emphasize a lot in our work. Our bodies have so much information for us, but weโve been trained to ignore it. Many of us walk around like weโre just brains on a stick!
Notice what happens in your body with different emotions.
Here are some examples that you might recognize:
- Your jaw tightens and your breathing gets shallow when youโre angry.
- Your face feels heavy when youโre sad.
- Your cheeks get round and full and your chest feels warm when youโre happy.
Noticing and naming these sensations, just like naming the emotions, helps to process them. And theyโre great early warning systems for when something needs attention:
Tight jaw? Iโm getting mad, maybe I should take a few deep breaths.
Helping your kids notice their own sensations is a powerful way of expanding their emotional literacy. You can guide your kids the same way:
โHow are you feeling in your body right now?โ
โWhere in your body do you feel that?โ
It might take time, but this helps them listen to themselves with confidence and certainty, and will help to develop emotional awareness and resilienceโtools that will support them for life.
Learning Emotional Regulation Together Is a Beautiful Thing
When our kids see us as evolving beingsโnot perfect, not fully formed, but continuing to learnโit gives them permission to be curious, compassionate and courageous. As parents, being willing to be seen to stumble, get it wrong, apologise and try again are incredible gifts to give to our children. It teaches our kids that life isnโt about perfection, but about presence, resilience and grace, even when life gets messy.
So keep showing up. Every time you choose growth and connection over โget it togetherโ perfection, youโre showing them the path to do the same.
With that in mind we made you a mini workbook!
Emotions Together is a bite-sized, practical workbook designed to help you bring emotional awareness into everyday moments โ with your kids and with yourself. No perfection required.
