Couples often fall into a cycle of competitive exhaustion, which erodes intimacy and teamwork. For the seventh instalment of The Heart of the Matter, Matt and Carina weigh in.
My partner and I are PB’ing in the “Who’s More Tired” Olympics: who slept less, who worked harder, who deserves the break. It seems like there’s no winning, and we’re both losing out on intimacy and teamwork. How do we break this cycle?
—Medaled
Matt here. I remember arriving home, opening the front door and barely putting my bag down before having my baby pushed into my arms and watching my then-wife stomp up the stairs to shut herself into some blessed solitude.
How was that fair? I’d done the 3 a.m. feed, dragged myself out of bed again just a few hours later, showered, shaved, got myself to the office and put in a full day’s work (which, I’ll have you know, is what kept the roof over our heads and food on the table), stopped off for some groceries on the way home, and now this?!
But from her perspective I got to shower, put on clothes, leave the house, feel the fresh air on my face and spend my day with other actual adults having actual conversations and only having my own ass to wipe. How was that fair?
Why Parents Compete Over Exhaustion
In the first few weeks, months and even years, parenting can feel unforgiving. In the early days you’re adjusting to the shock of your time-, connection- and energy-starved new life. And you miss how your relationship used to be when passionate intimate moments could just unfold, you could effortlessly support and appreciate each other (and feel supported and appreciated) and you had time to do whatever you wanted (can you even remember what you used to do with all that time? I barely can).
You took it for granted. And all of a sudden it’s not only gone but replaced by abject exhaustion, clutter, frustration, overwhelm and often isolation.
Surely it’s someone's fault? Surely it’s because someone’s not pulling their weight. And surely that someone isn’t you because you’re exhausted from doing it all. Right? Right?!
We want you to hear this. It’s not your fault. It’s not your partner’s fault. The ideal of the nuclear family is deeply flawed, and no-one succeeds in a flawed system.
There are so many families who are under-supported, who don't have beloved in-laws, family or close friends to take the baby for a while, or friend groups going through the same stages, or money for nannies and food delivery.
Woven into this is the fact that we live in a culture that values work and productivity. As a result, it’s a badge of honour to not only be high-functioning but over-functioning.
The more you do, the better you are, and an excellent barometer of how much you're doing is how tired you are.
The more tired you are, the more you've been doing, the more deserving you are, so step up on to that top podium and receive your medal. Cue the national anthem.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Why Nobody Wins the “Tired” Olympics
Sorry, my honeys. You can argue forever about what’s more tiring—staying at home or going to a job. It’s apples and breast pumps.
As you’re finding out, there are no winners in that game. It’s worse than a zero-sum game. If the only way to win is to be the most tired, it’s a slippery spiral to burnout for you both. Who wins? Not you, not your partner, not your kids. It’s a scorched earth game.
And you are also enrolling your kids into this culture of over-functioning.
So what can you do? What's the way out of this pernicious loop? Over to Carina.
How to Shift the Story
Okay, let’s take a deep breath together…. Ahhhh. Good job.
Now let’s step back for a second and look at what that medal and place on the podium actually represent?
It means that you’re being seen and appreciated.
And being seen and appreciated feels really really good when we’re coming up against hard and scary stuff—like parenting.
So here’s the mindset shift to help you shift your story from only one of you getting to win…to both of you sharing that podium spot.
You’re going to create a culture in your relationship where you both get seen and heard. And here’s the best thing—you don’t need to train for it or spend more time doing it.
Why Appreciation Changes Everything
The one who’s been grabbed at by the little ones since 6 a.m. deserves appreciation. The one who steps out the door at 7 a.m. to get to the job deserves appreciation. The one who picks the dishcloth up off the floor deserves appreciation. The one who puts away the groceries deserves appreciation. The one who fills the car with gas deserves appreciation. The one who could only manage to tidy the tiny corner of the kitchen table deserves appreciation.
Whether a contribution is directly involved in caring for the child or supporting your life and household, it’s all deserving of appreciation.
When you start looking around you, there are multiple opportunities to not only share your appreciation but to really bring it home by also sharing why it matters:
“Thank you for getting up this morning and going to your job so we can live in this neighbourhood”.
“Thank you for putting the groceries away, it meant I could spend a little bit of extra time cooking.”
“Thank you for keeping the kids away from the bathroom door so I could pee in peace.”
If you’re struggling to be appreciative, feel how different your life would be if your partner didn’t have a job to get to, or hadn’t stopped off to pick up the groceries, or didn’t put a load of laundry in the drier.
The best way to weave in appreciation is to do it in the moment, as soon as you notice. If your partner isn’t there, text them or leave them a note.
And you can include your older kids in this too. Tell them when you appreciate something they’ve done to contribute. Because pretty soon, they’ll role model that behaviour and you’ll hear what they appreciate about you, and their lives, too.
Turning Competition Into Connection
If you still want to medal in the “who’s the most tired” game, get silly with it. Buy a fake gold medal and award it to whoever can make the best case for being the most tired. Play the national anthem. Or just award it to yourself. You deserve it.
But alongside that fun, try playing the “Who Can Appreciate More” game too, and notice how it feels when everyone (you, your partner, the kids) win together. Want to take this good feeling even further? We’ve created a free five-day Boundary Journey called Say Yes to Yourself. Set boundaries with confidence and ease and enjoy more space and peace in your life. Sign up now and set one essential boundary (or more) on Day 5.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.
