As the allure of the first day of school wears off, my kids are already plotting how to stay home.

THE BEGINNING OF SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER IS LIKE THE START OF THE NEW YEAR FOR MOST MOMS.

That giddy feeling of starting fresh; kids at the front door, faces scrubbed, knapsacks sparkling with all zippers working, lunchboxes in an un-mouldy state and un-ripped clothes that fit. You idiotically grin and say “Won’t Grade 3/6/9 be fun?”

But by the time they get off the bus at the end of the day, they’re hot, sweaty, complaining and asking how many sleeps until the first PD day. So I decided, as a public service, to provide some ready-to-use responses for moms, to be delivered when the kids hit home during the first week of school and are looking for any excuse to stay home. Answers that should serve them until at least the next school holiday or until you’re offering them $20 to just “take the knapsack out to the garage and shake it out over the garbage.” (Listen, even if you lose a recorder or two this way, it’s worth it not to have to dig in past the gym clothes and sticky clumps to salvage it.)

WRITE DOWN THESE SNAPPY COMEBACKS:

  • NO, I’ve never thought about home schooling as an option, and I’m pretty sure you don’t qualify just because you like home better than school. You think your teacher yells too much? Have you met me?
  • YES, I’m sorry to hear that Marcus told you that your hair stinks. Sure, I guess we could call his mother…but first, can I smell your head?
  • YES, it is against the law not to go to school. Or at least against the laws of nature. The one that says moms can’t have their kids with them 24/7 without one of us running away from home. Again.
  • YES, it is a constitutional right of kids in Grade 6 to sit at the back of the bus, and when you are in Grade 6 you, too, will reap the rewards.
  • NO, it is not the responsibility of the lunch supervisor to provide commentary on your lunch. But should she choose to make disparaging remarks about your pre-made lunch pack of bologna and crackers, it is unfortunately not appropriate to tell her to “Get a life.” Yes, this advice is for me, not you.
  • YES, the school office staff knows whether you require a bandage or ice after a playground scrape. You must abide by their rules. Also, ever since they randomly started putting my name on the fundraising volunteer sheets, they scare me.
  • YES it does seem unfair that your school only acknowledges Christian holidays, and not Jewish, Hindu, or Muslim ones. However, I don’t think you’ll have much luck with your “Religious Equality for All” cause, simply to get more days off. Especially as the school administration is aware of your previous campaigns for “Children’s Day”, “Free the Ferret Fridays”, and “Sausage Week”.

In fact, since we’re on a new year theme, perhaps it’s best for us moms to choose a resolution for the school year. For starters, I’m thinking of resolving to support animal rights by boycotting the Grade 6 production of “Howard the Duck.”

Read more of Kathy’s tales of motherhood online at parentscanada.com, kathybuckworth.com, or follow her at twitter.com/kathybuckworth. Her book, Shut Up and Eat! Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay, is in bookstores across Canada.