Feeling touched out is more common than most parents admit. In The Heart of the Matter, our relationship experts Matt and Carina share why it happens, why it feels so heavy and how to take space without pushing away the people you love.
That feeling of being “touched out” is hard, often unexpected and can come with a lot of guilt. Especially when your kids are little and they’re grabbing at you, pulling on your shirt and hair and wanting to touch you constantly. Then your partner shows up wanting some physical contact too and it can feel like every touch is asking more of you than you have to give.
In our modern version of the family, there's the expectation that you have to give your time and attention when it's demanded, whether it's to your kids or your partner. And if you don't give your attention when it's been asked of you, you're failing.
What we want you to know is that being touched out is a real thing and you're allowed to have space to feel yourself again.
What Does “Touched Out” Mean?
Being touched out is a real physiological response—it’s not a character flaw you just need to get over.
When you’ve had prolonged or repeated physical contact, your nervous system can become overstimulated—your body is literally signalling that it needs a break. It's common in parents of young children and it's especially common in mothers who are breastfeeding or carrying babies. Knowing that it's a nervous system response, not a sign that something is wrong with you or your relationship, can be a huge relief.
Why Does Being Touched Out Feel So Heavy?
Whether it’s with your kids or partner, it’s hard when they reach for you in your touched out moments because you want to be there for them—genuinely—but meeting that request in that wrung-out state is causing you to feel resentful and overwhelmed. And that's not fair to either of you.
What you really need, in order to come back and be available for touch, available for connection, is just a little space first.
The guilt that comes with wanting space can make it even harder to ask for it—so instead you white-knuckle through it, growing more and more resentful until you find yourself flinching and backing away as a loved one comes in for a hug. Sound familiar?
The misunderstanding that guilt causes is that pushing through your discomfort by ignoring it and pretending it isn’t there doesn't actually give your family more of you. It gives them a depleted, overstimulated version of you. Asking for what you need is the more loving choice for you and them even when it doesn't feel that way in the moment.
It’s Not Failure—It’s Self-Compassion
Carina here—I remember when my kids were two and three and we were renovating. There were no doors at all. Even the bathroom only had a shower curtain. My days often felt like I was drowning in an undertow of demands on my body with my arms always full of children.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have given myself more permission to feel what I was feeling. Instead of blaming myself for running out of capacity, I would have validated the heck out of every aching yearning I had for more space, more capacity and more help.
I wish I’d known that turning towards yourself with love and compassion is what helps you love yourself through the hard times. I see now how valuable it would have been to ask for what I really needed as soon as possible, not after I’d gone past the point of no return.
It’s not admitting failure to validate your struggle, it’s calling in compassion.
What Actually Helps When You’re Touched Out?
In a moment we’re going to walk you through a few conversations that will be helpful both with your kids and your partner, but first it's worth knowing that there are things you can do right now to help you stay in your capacity as you move through your day.
“Self care” is the most common term for taking care of yourself and your needs, in order to keep your nervous system regulated and supported. And it’s important to know, it’s not just bubble baths and yoga classes.
When you’re feeling touched out, step outside or into a different room for five minutes, if you can—even just standing on the back step and breathing some fresh air can work wonders. Shake out your hands and arms like you're literally flicking the overstimulation off your body. Take a few slow, deliberate breaths. Splash cold water on your face. Put on a song that's yours, not the kids'—something that reminds you that you're a whole person outside of being a parent.
These little sprinkles of choice, fun, presence and being in your body are micro moments that have a huge payoff to filling your tank throughout the day and giving you more breathing room to respond with calm and awareness instead of harshness and overwhelm.
Take micro moments throughout your day to reset your nervous system and connect with the you that’s a living breathing person first
How to Talk About Being Touched Out
Now the conversations. They’re worth doing properly rather than trying to have them in the moment when you're already running on empty. Pick a time when you're calm, connected and not mid-bedtime routine or trying to get out the door.
The Conversation With Your Young Child
Keep the conversation and your request simple and concrete—”Mommy/Daddy needs some quiet body time right now.” This gives them a clear, non-threatening understanding.
It can be helpful to create a visual signal together, like sitting in a specific chair that means “I need a few minutes.” Make it a thing you've agreed on, not something that just happens out of nowhere.
You can invite them to have their own body quiet time with you, together but apart. Make it a game like can you count to 10 breaths with me to win the contest, or have a list of separate body actions that you do together.
Reassurance is a really important part of this process: This is about you needing to fill your cup, not about them doing something wrong. Follow the conversation and the separate time with extra reconnection so they learn their connection with you is always there even when you are separate for a little while.
The Conversation With Your Older Child
Share a little more detail. “Sometimes when I've had a really full day, my body needs a break and I need to recharge my batteries so I can be really present with you. I love you and I'm really looking forward to being with you in about 10 minutes.”
This also models something powerful for them: It's okay to know your own limits, trust the signals your body is giving you and ask for what you need. That's a skill they'll carry into their own relationships for the rest of their lives.
The Conversation With Your Partner
First, start from love. Share with them that you love them and you still think they are just as gorgeous and handsome as ever, but that sometimes your touch tank is empty. Being specific about those times you feel most touched out—for instance, as soon as they come home from work—will help them know what to expect and what you need.
You can even brainstorm some fun, common language together so you can say just a few words and your partner knows exactly where you're at and what you need.
This is giving your partner a roadmap of when you can reconnect and some ideas that would feel good to both of you.
And then—this part is important—give them a concrete timeframe for reconnection, like later in the evening. Your partner needs to know they're not being pushed away with no path back, that there's a “later” coming—that reassurance changes everything.
It might be worth asking them how they experience it when you pull away because sometimes our partners have their own stories running through their heads about what it means. Just sharing it can shift something for them too.
Taking Space Isn’t Selfish—It’s How You Stay Connected
Asking for space and support isn't selfish—it's how you take care of yourself so you can really be you with the people you love most. The goal isn't to be untouchable, it's to come back to your people with a full tank—present, warm and actually there.
And that starts with giving yourself permission to need what you need.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina or reach out via email at [email protected].
