You want the school-day scoop and they give you one word (the dreaded “fine,” more often than not). Here’s what to ask your kids instead of “How was your day?” so you actually get somewhere.

“How was your day?” sounds like an easy conversation starter. It should work, right? It works for adults most of the time. It's an invitation to share, with an open-ended opportunity for dialogue. But the thing is, it's not actually an easy question to answer. Especially not for kids. They have to mentally sift through hours of experiences, decide which ones are worth mentioning and then figure out how to tell you about them—all at a time when they may be hungry, tired or completely maxed out from the school day.

So “fine” doesn't necessarily mean “I don't want to talk to you.” Sometimes it means “I have absolutely no idea where to begin.”

Why “fine” is such an easy answer

For kids, there can be another layer to the (lack of) answer too. School requires them to spend much of the day listening, responding, following instructions, navigating social situations and moving from one task to another. By the time they get home, answering another question—even one asked with the best intentions—may feel like one more thing somebody needs from them.

And younger kids may genuinely struggle to summarize an entire day. What adults think of as “school” is actually a string of completely separate experiences to them: morning announcements, math, gym, recess, lunch, a funny thing their friend said, losing their baseball hat and getting picked last for kickball. Asking them to package all of that into a review is a pretty tall order.

Give their brain somewhere to start

None of this means that you should ask how they are, but instead of asking your kid to evaluate their entire day, zoom in.

Specific questions give them a memory to search for rather than a whole day to summarize. Try things like the following:

  • What made you laugh today?
  • Who did you spend the most time with?
  • What was the weirdest thing that happened?
  • What did you do at recess?
  • Did anyone do something really kind today?
  • What was easier than you thought it would be?
  • What was the hardest part of the day?
  • Did your teacher say anything funny?
  • What was the best thing you ate at lunch?
  • What are you hoping happens tomorrow?

You don't need to work your way through the list like an interviewer. Just ask one and if it leads somewhere, follow along.

Don't ask the second you see them

We often ask about school immediately when kids get in the car or walk in the door because we're ready to hear about it. We missed them! We want to know what happened! But the moment your kid gets out of school may be the time they are least likely to want to talk about it.

Some kids need a transition first. Give them a snack, let them move around, put on some music or allow them to zone out for a bit. Then try talking while you're making dinner, walking the dog or driving somewhere later.

You may discover that your child who had “nothing” to say at 3:30 suddenly remembers 47 things they desperately need to tell you at bedtime.

Resist the urge to interrogate

There is perhaps no conversational move more tempting than following “fine” with:

“What did you do?”

“Who did you play with?”

“What did you learn?”

But if your first question goes nowhere, don't keep digging. Let it go for a while. Kids are more likely to talk when conversation feels voluntary rather than like a daily debriefing.

Tell them something about your day first

If you want your kids to share their day, try sharing yours.

You don't need to unload adult problems on them, obviously. Just offer the kind of detail you'd like to hear in return: “I spilled coffee all over my desk this morning,” or “Someone said something in a meeting that made me laugh so hard.”

Better yet, answer one of your own questions.

“The weirdest thing that happened to me today was…”

“What made me laugh today was…”

Now you're having a conversation rather than conducting an interview—and you've shown them exactly the kind of story you're interested in hearing.

Listen when they choose the moment

Here's the mildly inconvenient truth about getting kids to talk: They may not do it on your schedule.

The story you've been trying to get out of them since pickup may arrive while you're brushing their hair, making lunches, backing out of the driveway or attempting to turn off their bedroom light. (That last one is especially common.)

When it does, try to listen. Yes, even when you're exhausted and just want to go to the living room and watch something terrible on TV.

The real goal isn't getting a comprehensive account of every school day; it's making sure your kid knows there is space for their stories—the funny ones, the boring ones, the complicated ones and eventually, when they're ready to tell you, the really important ones.

So the next time you ask, “How was your day?” and your kid says “fine,” don't roll your eyes or push for more detail.

“Fine” may not be the end of the conversation. It probably just means not yet.