Soulmate culture can make the everyday challenges of parenting, partnership and long-term commitment feel like signs you chose the wrong person. Relationship coaches Matt Hilliard and Carina Reeves explain why that’s not necessarily true.
You're scrolling Instagram at 7 a.m., holding your coffee with one hand and trying to keep your toddler from climbing onto the counter with the other. Your feed is full of couples on beaches at sunset, anniversary posts about “my person” and “still crazy in love after 10 years” and date nights at restaurants you can't afford with babysitters you can't find.
You look like you've only slept four hours (because you have). You and your partner are currently in a silent standoff about who's going to clean the kitchen. Last night's “conversation” about finances ended with both of you retreating to separate corners of your home. Part of you is wondering, “Is this it? I thought this was my soulmate. Should I just learn to be okay with mainly feeling disconnected and thankful for the rare moments when we’re not?”
But maybe you're asking the wrong question.
There's an assumption in modern society, especially with younger millennials and alphas, that it's one or the other—you either have a soulmate relationship or just “good enough” and there's nothing in between.
But that's a false binary, and it's costing you more than you realize.
Myth #1: There's One Perfect Person for You
Matt here. I'm sitting in the conference room of a hotel in Boulder, Colorado, being trained as a relationship coach. My teacher, a coach I deeply respect, is talking about his long and successful marriage. And he says something that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable: He doesn't assume that his wife and the mother of their two children is the only compatible match for him, or him for her.
This shakes me out of my fantasy that I suddenly see I’ve had for decades—that there’s only one person for everybody and that once you've found them, everything is perfect forever and ever. No conflict, happily connected through all of life's seasons, amazing communication and fantastic sex. What he's highlighting is that it isn't fantasy that fuels a successful relationship, and it's not hope that fuels a successful relationship either. It's actually having a clear and honest idea of a successful relationship, including phases of disconnection and reconnection and conflict and repair, and must be paired with the skills, tools and beliefs to create and maintain it.
I feel an unexpected freedom hearing this. It actually gives me—not the fates—agency to create a relationship that works.
We all love the idea of the soulmate. Who wouldn't? But is it an unattainable goal that's actually sabotaging your real relationship?
We know as relationship coaches that passion and novelty are wonderful kindling to starting a relationship, but they’re not enough to sustain long-term commitments. Even if you found somebody with whom you're compatible in so many ways, without the skills to communicate clearly with one another, to navigate conflict, to repair, to sustain intimacy over a lifetime—love as a noun isn't enough. And love as a verb has to be learned.
The reality: You could meet your “perfect match” and still end up in roommate mode if neither of you knows how to repair after conflict or sustain intimacy through the hard seasons.
And you could be with someone who seems far from perfect on paper but with whom you build something extraordinary because you both have the skills (all learnable!) and the commitment to create it.
Myth #2: If It's Right, It Should Be Easy
This is the highest cost of the soulmate concept: If you're in a relationship with someone you love and in many ways are compatible with, but you find yourselves in repeated unresolved arguments or feeling more like housemates, you might want to leave because you start to doubt that they are the right person for you.
However, the issue might not be your compatibility. What we find over and over in our work is that beliefs—what you believe you're allowed to have, what love even looks like—make all the difference.
What you experienced growing up, consciously or subconsciously, is what you'll recreate in your adult relationships.
Carina here. One of the advantages of growing up in a household where my parents did argue in front of me was that I never imagined my dream relationship would be without fights.
But it did surprise me how much work it took to learn to be with Matt during conflict in ways that were more curious and open-hearted than I saw growing up. Some of my “favourite” beliefs that required a shift in thinking included that the goal of a fight is to figure out who’s right (a.k.a, really show them how they’re wrong); and love looks like not taking accountability and always blaming the other person. It's no surprise those beliefs made fighting well practically impossible.
It's actually pretty wild how much focus and awareness it takes to remember your commitments to yourself and your partner, and to make those better choices when hot emotions come up.
One of our clients is now in a relationship that feels good in a way she's never experienced before.
She was startled when this question came up in her mind, “Do I deserve this?’.
The answer is that of course she does, but if you believe you don't actually deserve to be loved in a way that feels amazing, you’re not only likely to choose a partner who doesn't love you in the way that you need—you might also end a relationship with a partner who does love you fully and completely but it's too uncomfortable for you to receive it.
The reality: All relationships require work. The fairy tale isn't that you never fight or struggle—it's that you learn how to fight well, work through your challenges together and create beliefs that let love in.
And often, the struggle isn't a sign you're with the wrong person, it's a sign you're being asked to grow.
Myth #3: If You're Struggling, You Picked Wrong
This myth keeps you with one foot out the door, always wondering if there's someone better out there, someone who would make this easier.
But here's what that myth misses: The question isn't whether this is the right person. The questions are, “What kind of relationship do I want? How do I want it to feel? What does my heart yearn for? Do I have the skills to create it? And if we're commited to each other, are we willing to learn and lean into growth together?”
There’s an essential awareness here, and it’s especially important for parents.
Your relationship has seasons. Depending on the age and the needs of your kids, there will be times when all your focus is on parenting, and your connection with your partner is lacking the intimacy it had. There will be times when balancing work and parenting puts you both in different modes and you’re out of sync. Accepting these as seasons—impermanent—instead of the end of everything allows this question to emerge: “How can we make the best of this season between us?”
The reality: You have agency here. You get to assess what season you're in.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- When we fight, can we repair? Or do we just sweep it under the rug?
- Do I feel safe being myself with this person? Or am I constantly managing their reactions?
- When I imagine our future together, do I feel excited? Or resigned?
- Could some better skills help make this feel easier and more possible?
These are the skills that matter most:
- Clear communication (saying what you mean without blaming or defending)
- Conflict navigation (staying connected even when you disagree)
- Repair (coming back together after rupture)
- Sustained intimacy (keeping connection alive through all seasons)
- Self-awareness (knowing your patterns and triggers)
If you're with someone who's willing to learn these skills alongside you, and you feel fundamentally safe and seen with them, that's not “good enough”—that's the foundation of something extraordinary.
So, the next time you’re scrolling yourself into a despair cycle, remember that a relationship isn't measured by how it looks in a photo. It's measured by whether you're both willing to show up, learn and grow together.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina or reach out via email at [email protected].
