The strongest relationships aren’t the ones without hard conversations—they’re the ones willing to have them. Here’s how to stop saying “we'll deal with it later” and finally handle it now.
You can no doubt relate to the picture we’re about to paint: You’re wrestling a kid into a coat, while another one is impatiently smacking their backpack against the front door. Your partner is tearing about trying to find their laptop charger cable, which isn't in any of the top three most likely places, and their work call starts in five minutes.
You and your partner are putting on a brave face but 25 minutes ago, one of you brought up a question about your finances—a difficult topic for almost everybody. You got two minutes into a conversation before it was all hands on deck with the kids.
You hustle the kids out the door just as your person logs on to their meeting and you yell over your shoulder, “We'll deal with it later!”
But here’s the question: Should you? Or are you just setting yourself up for a longer-term issue?
Actually Yes—Sometimes You Do Need to Deal With It Later
Like when you're hustling out the door in the morning, or when it's a conversation that might get heated and you don't want to have it in front of the kids. And sometimes dealing with it later is a wise choice so that one of you can calm down before your reactivity skyrockets.
The “deal with it later” trap is when the two of you avoid talking about an issue altogether—maybe it's even been years. It becomes a get-out-of-jail-free card: “See? I'm available to talk about this in theory!” said with the quiet hope that the other person, or each of you, forgets about the issue and it never gets brought up again.
Maybe you fully intend to pick the conversation back up later, but by the time school drop-off is done and work takes over, it’s gone. Maybe your partner fully does not intend to revisit it because a certain conversation feels stressful, uncomfortable or easier to avoid altogether. Either way, “later” quietly turns into next week, next month or never.
Some Topics Are Pit-of-the-Stomach Uncomfortable
Some subjects make you feel vulnerable. Some are stressful. So it makes sense why you might want to keep kicking these things down the road with the quiet hope that they never get dealt with.
But it's these choices that create wear and tear on the fabric of your relationships. Because we actually don't forget. The “we'll deal with it later” becomes a ghost, an open tab that continues to haunt and pull at you.
But all the resistance to dealing with touchy subjects sucks our energy, our faith in ourselves to have these conversations, our faith in our partner to meet us in the messy stuff and ultimately, our faith in the relationship.
Without a plan that specifies when later actually is, “we'll deal with it later” is an empty promise. Even if you don’t want it to be.
It can be genuinely confusing when your conscious mind has the best of intentions to address something, but your whole system is backing away. We're told over and over again to trust our instincts, to be true to ourselves—so what does it mean when everything in us doesn't want to do something?
There's a really useful awareness here: learning to tell the difference between not wanting to do something because it's wrong for you, and not wanting to do something because you're scared of what you might find on the other side.
How Can You Tell the Difference?
Fear and discomfort tend to be loud. Insistent. They have a kind of urgency that feels like pressure. Whereas the quiet voice that knows you need to address something that's been sitting between you—when it's in its highest alignment, it feels like a calm, quiet knowing.
Avoiding something that is ultimately in service to your life and your relationship means you're trading a short-term gain for a long-term loss. These things catch up with us. That's why we brush our teeth and keep the kitchen clean—not because there's going to be a problem tonight or tomorrow, but because eventually, we get cavities and bugs.
Choosing to be brave about hard things is an energetic investment in yourself, in your lives together and in the kind of person you want to be for yourself and your partner. Life has hard things in it. Being willing to face them clears something in you and builds quiet confidence and deeper trust in yourself.
And the good news? It doesn't have to be as hard or as heavy as you're imagining.
How to Make Dealing With It Easier
To create thriving relationships, you want to build the muscle of having these conversations even when they're difficult. There's a myth that these conversations have to be like a high-stakes political summit—glaring at each other across the table at 2 a.m. with the lights dimmed.
So what can you do?
If you say, “We'll deal with it later,” put it in the calendar right then…
Decide when later actually is. “How about Saturday morning over coffee?” or “Can we talk about this Thursday after the kids are in bed?”
Without a specific time, “later” is “never.” With a specific time, it's a commitment you're both making to actually show up for the conversation.
If you don’t revisit it when you intend to, bring it back up without nagging…
If something got shelved and the other person seems to have forgotten, you're allowed to bring it back. Try: “Hey, remember that conversation we said we'd have about [topic]? I know we've both been swamped, but it's still on my mind. Can we find 20 minutes this week?”
If one of you says, “I need time to think…”
That’s perfectly acceptable. But there should be a specific timeline is provided for the thinking to be completed and the conversation to happen. If you get, “Let's just forget about it,” push back gently: “It's really important to me that we have this conversation.”
If one of you keeps avoiding…
The avoider might be scared, overwhelmed or genuinely not know how to have the conversation. The pursuer might be feeling unseen, unheard or like they're the only one who cares. Sometimes you need to have a conversation about why you're not having the conversation.
Try this: “I notice we keep saying we'll talk about this and then we don't. I'm wondering what's making it hard for us to actually have this conversation. Can we talk about that first?”
If you need to make a hard conversations less intimidating…
Set a timer: “Let's talk about this for 20 minutes and see how far we get.” Time limits make big topics feel more manageable and give you both an out if things get too heated.
Do it over a glass of wine. Treat yourselves to dessert or walk to the coffee shop while you do it. Some of our best conversations happen on walks—there's something about moving your body and not having to make eye contact that makes hard things easier to say.
When you realize you've been dodging…
If you wake up one day and realize you've been using “later” as a dodge, you can repair it. Try: “Hey, I realize I've been avoiding this conversation and that's not fair to you or to us. I was scared/overwhelmed/didn't know how to talk about it. But I'm ready now. Can we make time this week?”
Owning it goes a long way. And it models for your kids that adults can acknowledge when they've messed up and make it right.
Spend Time Imagining a Positive Outcome
Fear has us spending a lot of time thinking about the worst outcomes, but what about the best? Spending time really thinking about all the benefits that could come from your hard conversation is really motivating.
There's a muscle that's built and a trust that deepens—”Oh, we can have these conversations and not only survive but thrive.” There's an intimacy you'll feel when you do actually deal with it now instead of later. It's an incredible relief to finally have a conversation you've been avoiding—it might even be a rush.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina or reach out via email at [email protected].
