In this month’s The Heart of the Matter, relationship experts Matt and Carina explore emotional literacy—what happens when feelings go unnamed in childhood, and how learning to talk about the hard stuff can change our relationships and families for the better.
What a beautiful intention to have as parents and partners.
It's through bringing into the light the things that were unspoken in our childhoods that we create real change that ripples through our children and creates a new, healthy legacy.
Emotional Literacy Begins With What Was Left Unsaid
Matt here. In my house growing up, there were a few things that I learned were not welcome or approved of.
One of those was emotions. My dad told me outright that anger was a negative emotion and it served no purpose. I interpreted that as “good people don’t get angry.”
Okay, but then what were these intense, forceful impulses in me? And what the heck was I supposed to do with them? Feelings weren’t talked about or encouraged, whereas talking about what we’d learned at school that day—and all sorts of useless things like being able to name, in order, all of the London bridges—was expected.
What was taboo in your childhood house may be the same or different than in mine. Perhaps it was fear, death, mental health, body image, sex, failure, conflict or something else.
When We Grow Up Without the Words
When areas and experiences in your childhood weren't given words by your parents or caregivers, it creates a muteness in you—an inability to not only talk about those experiences but also to explore them, digest them or even know what perspective to bring to them. How do you make sense of something you don't even have words for?
It was only by joining a men’s group and doing the work that went with it—sitting in a circle with men doing basic kindergarten work of noticing the sensations in my body and naming the emotions I was feeling—that I could accept them as an essential part of being human, of being me.
When I finally felt my anger, in that safe, held space, it was loud, powerful and healing.
It felt like I was finally living in full colour.
What Changes When We Name Our Feelings Out Loud
Being able to describe my feelings to others, including my kids and be seen by them, has helped in all sorts of unexpected places. I could say to my toddler son, “It sounds like you’re really angry right now,” so he could know and name his own emotional landscape.This is where this work becomes truly transformative.
Not only does finding words give you power over those experiences, but by talking about these experiences, you allow yourself to be seen and known by your partner and children. You create a culture in your family where these things are talked about, and your child grows up accepting that it's okay to talk about these things with no fear, shame or doubt.
Sex and anatomy were also rarely-if-ever discussed with adults growing up at home or at school (but plenty chatted and whispered about with pals as equally clueless as me). So I chose to give it my clumsy best to talk age-appropriately with my son about these things from a young age.
And then, when he was 12, I was driving him to a sleepover at his best friend’s. We pulled up outside and he turned to me and so innocently asked if I’d ever had a wet dream. “Now?! You want to talk about this right now?!?” yelled the voice in my head. Then, my next instinct was to make a joke to cover up my embarrassment and shame, but then I noticed he wasn’t even questioning whether this was a weird thing to ask me. This moment was built on many previous moments.
And if not right now, then when?
I took a moment, looked at his open curious face and we had an easy conversation about this strange thing that sometimes happens when we sleep.
How One Conversation Changes Everything
Carina here. So how do you actually begin to talk about these things you never learned to say?
Here’s the thing: It's only through talking about these things that we learn to talk about them.
We know it might feel overwhelming—like teetering at the very edge of a diving board looking down at water. But here's the good news: You don't need to have it all figured out before you start. You just need to take the first step, and we're going to walk you through exactly how to do that.
We've broken this down into five manageable steps that will help you open up these areas of conversation, and each one builds on the last to make the process easier and more natural. You may want to adapt the steps for whether you’re talking with a partner, a friend, a child.
Step 1: Find your words first.
You may want to begin with a journal practice or even speaking into your voice recorder on your phone, trying to find the words to give voice to your thoughts, however vague and indistinct. This private practice helps you sort through what you want to say before you're sitting across from your partner (or friend).
Step 2: Ask for and set expectations.
Share with the other person that you want to create some space to talk about something and ask them if they're available to do so.
Let them know it's something that you've never talked about before, and it's an area that wasn't talked about growing up, so you don't know the words. You're letting them know that you want space to talk and stumble and ramble and pause and take your time and go too fast and be confusing. You are essentially giving yourself permission to be messy. Also be clear about what you’re seeking from them. Is it just to listen, share their experience around the same topic or something else entirely?
If they are available for this conversation, set a date and time and how long you need. Maybe start off with 15 minutes or 20 minutes.
Step 3: Choose your environment.
Have the conversation in an environment that's comfortable for both of you. Maybe grab a drink, have the conversation when things are calm, maybe you're in a car on a drive or a walk, or you're in bed—somewhere where conversation generally flows with this person. It could even be while you're doing dishes!
Step 4: Have the conversation.
Give yourself permission to just start, and to pause when you need to, or stop altogether if necessary. If big emotions start coming up for you, like fear, anger, sadness or shame, take a pause to breathe. If you need more support, work through these emotions by following the simple steps we provide in this ParentsCanada article.
Step 5: Celebrate this huge step.
Make sure to celebrate afterwards. However awkward and clumsy you may have been, you took the first step and it's often the hardest. The next time will be easier. You'll be able to find the words more quickly. You may even find different, better words that your mouth will form more easily around. Your children may hear you having these conversations and they'll know that they too have permission to speak about such things when the time comes.
And here's what's so beautiful about this practice: Every time you have one of these conversations, you're building a new skill and creating a new culture in your family. You're showing your children that hard things can be talked about, that vulnerability is strength and that there's nothing so difficult that it can't be brought into the light. In fact, with this incredible example you’re setting, they might not even find it hard to talk about these things at all!
The ripples of these conversations will move through your relationships, your homes and the next generation in ways you might not even see for years.
But trust us, they will be felt. This is how real change happens, one brave conversation at a time.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.
