Holiday gatherings can feel complicated for kids who are not out to family (though they may be out to you!). Here’s how to support them with clarity, compassion and care.
Coming out as Two-Spirit, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning (2SLGBTQ+) is a deeply personal process for many youth. Some may choose to share this part of themselves with family early on, while others may wait until they feel completely safe. If your child has chosen to come out to you, it is a sign of trust—and how you respond can profoundly impact their sense of safety and self-worth. Offering support means listening without judgement, affirming their identity and showing genuine care for their feelings. By respecting their identity and working together to build a safe and loving home environment, you help reinforce that they are valued exactly as they are.
For many 2SLGBTQ+ youth, the holidays introduce additional emotional weight. Extended family dynamics, traditions that uphold rigid gender roles (e.g., women being expected to cook holiday meals) or returning to a place where they feel they need to hide their identity can all create tension. Some youth may be out at school or with friends but not with relatives—or even with everyone in their household. They may be navigating complex decisions about what or how much to disclose, to whom and when. Caregivers can play a vital role by checking in privately, asking what their child needs to feel comfortable and respecting boundaries. Coming out is not a single moment—it is a series of choices young people continue to manage.
Ensuring that 2SLGBTQ+ youth feel seen, safe and supported matters every day of the year—but the holidays can bring unique pressures and vulnerabilities. If you are thinking about how best to show up for the youth in your life this season, the guidance below offers answers to some of the most common questions caregivers face and can help make the holidays a time of warmth and affirmation, rather than worry or fear.
How can I support my child who has come out to me but not to extended family?
One of the most important things you can do is talk openly with your child before gatherings. Ask them what they are comfortable with, and how you can best support them. This may include planning signals or check-ins during gatherings, designating a quiet area for breaks or agreeing on topics you will redirect from if relatives’ questions become intrusive. If your child has come out to you, but not to the rest of the family, discuss who—if anyone—they would like to share this part of themselves with, and whether they want you to be involved in those conversations. For some young people, the holiday season may feel like the right time to come out; for others, it may feel safer to wait. Both are valid choices.
Coming out is not a one-time event, rather, it is an ongoing process that looks different for everyone. Respecting your child’s timeline is key. If they do not want to disclose their identity to extended family, honour that boundary and ensure that you do not reveal this information on their behalf. Although their 2SLGBTQ+ identity is an important part of their overall identity, it is not the only aspect of your child and does not need to be a topic of discussion unless your child wants it to be.
How do I support my child if they want to come out to family members?
If your child chooses to come out during the holidays, you can help them feel prepared. Talk through what they might say, and discuss how they want to respond to questions—particularly ones that may cross personal boundaries. Offering reassurance can reduce anxiety, helping them to feel confident as they navigate these conversations. Support your child in building an exit strategy in case the situation becomes overwhelming and ensure that they do not feel pressured to stay if they are uncomfortable.
Be prepared for a range of reactions—holiday gatherings can surface a variety of emotions. Some relatives may need time to understand, and that is okay. What matters most is ensuring your child’s safety and well-being. While people may adjust to new information in their own time, it may also be a good time to assess the safety of the environment for your child. Hosting gatherings at home can provide more control: You can set expectations in advance, outline what respectful behaviour looks like and make it clear that discriminatory behaviour will not be tolerated. If family members respond with transphobic or homophobic remarks, it may be reasonable to rethink your plans. Sometimes the best choice is choosing a different space. Additionally, remind your child that the reactions of other people are not a reflection of them or how they should feel about their identity.
What should I do if a family member misgenders my child?
If you or someone else misgenders your child, offer a quick and respectful correction, then carry on. Keep the correction casual—something as simple as, “Oh, he goes by he/him now,” said with a smile, can help everyone adjust without embarrassment. Keeping it brief and matter of fact sends an important message: You have your child’s back. It shows others that using the right name and pronouns is non-negotiable, and that your home is a place where your child is respected. It is also important to acknowledge that intention matters. There is a difference between someone purposefully misgendering your child and someone making a mistake while trying to learn. If the intention is negative, you may need to intervene.
How should I respond to offensive comments or “jokes” about 2SLGBTQ+ people?
2SLGBTQ+ youth are subject to many types of aggression. Harmful comments and “jokes” about 2SLGBTQ+ identities reinforce stigma and can make a young person feel unsafe or invisible. If someone makes a harmful remark, you can support your child by calmly asking the person to explain their comment. This shifts the discomfort back where it belongs and exposes the prejudice behind the punchline. Although there may be pushback or comments about “being sensitive,” calling out these comments will make your child feel safer. You are also setting an example for your child that discrimination is not okay and that they should never be the target of anyone’s laughter. It may give them the strength to replicate this behaviour in situations where you are not present.
Making home a safe space this holiday season
Creating a safe and affirming home looks different for every family, but there are steps all caregivers can take to help 2SLGBTQ+ children feel welcome and loved. If your child has recently come out as transgender or gender diverse, ask what name and pronouns they want you to use—and follow their lead. If your 2SLGBTQ+ child wants to bring their partner home for the holidays, greet them with the same warmth you would offer anyone else’s partner. Most importantly, check in with your child: Ask what would make gatherings feel comfortable, and what you can do to support them if tensions arise.
The holidays can be a time for joy, connection and traditions that bring us together. Make those moments truly meaningful by ensuring your home is a place where your 2SLGBTQ+ child feels safe, respected and celebrated—and where homophobia and transphobia have no seat at the table.
Dr. Alex Abramovich is a Senior Scientist at the Institute for Mental Health Policy Research at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), and an Associate Professor at the Dalla Lana School of Public Health and Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto. He holds a Canada Research Chair in 2SLGBTQ+ Youth Homelessness and Mental Health. Dr. Abramovich is the Director of the 2SLGBTQ+ Youth Health and Homelessness Research Lab at CAMH— www.alexabramovich.me.
This piece was co-authored by Dr. Alex Abramovich and his team, Nicole Elkington, a research coordinator; Michael Silberberg, a research analyst; and Sarah Scott and John Segui, PhD students/research trainees.
