Modern moms are told to give it all, all the time. But breaking free from intensive mothering may be the best gift to kids—and yourself.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, motherhood was less demanding. As far as my mother was concerned, if I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly, she had fulfilled her responsibilities. Dr. Andrea O’Reilly, a professor at York University in Toronto and founder of Motherhood Studies, calls this type of mothering “custodial mothering,” or “the flower-pot approach.” Feed them, water them and put them outside. Indeed, I was expected to play outside all day, only to come home at mealtimes and bedtime.
So imagine my shock, dismay and exhaustion while raising two children in the 1990s— shuttling them from karate to swimming to gymnastics to dance to baseball to skating to guitar to piano to sailing to French lessons … and so on. It was intense. And that’s exactly why sociologist Sharon Hays coined the term “intensive mothering”—a socially constructed form of mothering that, according to Hays, is “child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour-intensive and financially expensive.”
Why Is Intensive Mothering So Popular?
You may wonder why mothers to this day subject themselves to the grueling expectations of intensive mothering. It’s simple. They’re trying to be good mothers.
The trouble is that the definition of a so-called “good mother” changes over time and across geography and culture. According to O'Reilly, our society still unfairly and unreasonably expects children to be cared for expertly by their biological mother 24/7, at the expense of that mother’s needs, career and pocketbook. In addition, these “good mothers” should feel calm, cool and fulfilled at all times. Yes, the definition of a “good mother” is socially constructed, too.
Some may argue that fathers and partners have taken on more of the child-rearing duties, and that a focus on mothering, rather than parenting, is outdated. Although there may be exceptions, Stats Canada reports that in 2022, mothers spent on average 7.5 hours per day caring for their children, while fathers spent only 4.9 hours. In short, much of parenting today still rests at a mother’s feet.
What’s a “Good Mother” to Do?
Now, just because something is socially constructed as a current norm in our society doesn’t mean we have to follow it. But it also doesn’t mean that we can ignore it. For example, few parents would wish to return to the days of custodial mothering. Most would agree that children need more than food, shelter and proper attire. To thrive, children need emotional, physical and intellectual care and development. So, where do we draw the line?
Hays argues we don’t want to celebrate, sentimentalize, naturalize or encourage a form of mothering that calls for “copious amounts of time, energy and material resources.” Yet the lure of intensive mothering is powerful and complex. Some mothers see it as a demonstration of their love and a way to provide the best care for their child. Others view it as a way to prove they are a good mom. After all, if your kid has a black belt in karate, can play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” and makes the Dean’s List, you are the best mom ever. Or so we sometimes think. Of course, how we demonstrate love, practise childcare and measure success are socially constructed as well. There’s also this very annoying truth whereby women still experience inequality at home, at work and in society. All this creates the perfect storm for the simultaneous glorification and subordination of mothers.
That is why today’s “good mother” is still expected to be a nurturing, selfless goddess who always puts family first—even though she also has personal and career goals that too often get delayed, disrupted or discarded. It’s the main reason that intensive mothering has such a firm stronghold on how we mother and how we view mothering. The question is how do we release ourselves from its hold?
How to Break Free From Intensive Mothering
In my view, we start by saying no. Not to everything, but to perhaps adding yet another extracurricular activity to the calendar… to the latest game, gadget or brand that your child simply must have… to following expert advice that just doesn’t make sense for you and your family. On top of that, say yes to less stress and quiet evenings watching a movie, going for a walk or playing in the park. Mothering can and should be a team sport. In many cultures, it is. So, say yes to sharing your load with partners, family, babysitters and friends. Most of all, say yes to you, your dreams, your goals, your wants.
Trust me, it won’t make you a “bad mother.” In fact, it will do just the opposite. Because the big problem with intensive mothering is that it creates an intense childhood for the little ones we care about the most. So please don’t feel guilty for stopping the insanity.
The good news is that, like custodial mothering, this too shall pass. Maybe by the time our children become parents, intensive mothering will be no longer, and a new, more equal, less exhausting form of mothering will replace it. Let’s start that revolution today, so we can all live happily ever after.
