In the sixth instalment of the Heart of the Matter, Carina and Matt unpack the emotional tug-of-war of parental jealousy—how to spot it, what it really means and how to turn it into something powerful.
This month's reader question is certainly relatable to…well, anyone who has social media. Or has ever had social media. Or who has spent five minutes scrolling social media:
How do I stop comparing myself to other parents who seem to be doing it all better?
Carina here to start us off. When I had my first baby, I was so lost. I’m choking up even now thinking about it.
Growing up, I was an only child of an only child with no cousins, no church, no big family gatherings where babies were passed around like bread baskets at the dinner table. So when I had my daughter, it was like being dropped into a new country with no map, no compass and no clue how to speak the language. I often felt like I was living with a tiny alien, trying desperately to decipher her language that was made entirely of crying.
I spent my days alone with her while my ex was at work, and with no family or money for childcare, I spent my nights alone too—I’d moved to the couch because my ex slept like the dead with zero protective instincts for co-sleeping, and our daughter wouldn’t settle unless I was right beside her. At the same time we were trying to renovate a house we hadn’t even moved into yet. Sometimes I was so tired I thought I would die.
The logistics were laughable but I wasn’t laughing. I didn’t have a village. I barely had a phone list.
That Picture-Perfect Moment? Not the Whole Story
Fast forward several years: There had been some big changes, including another baby coming along.
When our eldest was turning five, we decided to go out for dinner to celebrate. The four of us sat in a neighbourhood restaurant: me, our five-year-old, her baby brother and their dad. I remember it was a nice evening.
A few days later, another mom from school came up to me in the yard. She’d been at the same restaurant that night, eating alone, and said, “I just have to tell you… how do you do it? I wish my family could go out and have such a nice time like that.”
I’ll never forget the look on her face when I told her my ex and I had just separated. We’d called a truce for our daughter's birthday and stayed inside the lines of what worked. We didn’t ask too much of the night, or each other, and we got through it with zero disasters and actually had a pretty good time. The mom and I had a laugh at how things aren’t necessarily how they look.
And that’s the takeaway.
Don’t mistake someone’s good moment for their whole life.
That happy Instagram story or fun restaurant dinner might be real, but it’s not the whole picture. Everyone has private heartbreaks. Everyone’s doing their best with what they’ve got. And every family moves through rupture. The real measure of success isn’t how perfect things look, it's how you move through repair.
Parental Jealousy Isn’t Logical—But It’s Still Real
I’ll bet you know this, and yet the experience of jealousy will still come up. It’s not a logical emotion, it’s a hot visceral reaction! So let’s look at that energy and emotion of jealousy, because here’s what we want you to know: Jealousy can either be the green-headed monster that points at your failings, or it can call you forward into your desires.
Because sometimes you’re right. The person you’re comparing yourself to really is doing something better. Maybe they have more family to help. Maybe they grew up around kids. Maybe they just got some sleep last night.
But when you see that thing—that skill or that experience you wish you had—you get to make a choice. You can let it mean you’re a failure and a terrible parent… or you can let it mean you have new possibilities and skills you want to call in.
Parenting is a skill set. It’s also experience. It’s also support. And privilege. And personality. And a whole mix of things no one can see on the surface.
So even if you've twisted yourself into a guilt pretzel or fallen into a shame spiral (we've been there—we get it!), we have a mindset shift for you to consider:
Jealousy does not mean you’re a failure. It’s a call to learning and growing.
Turning Parental Jealousy into Growth
Matt taking the wheel here.
So, the mindset shift out of jealousy is made of two repeating steps:
Step one is validation. Step two is possibility.
Step One: Witness Yourself Honestly
The first step is clearly naming what you’re feeling: jealousy. Let yourself feel the *ouch* of it while validating your experience. “This is really hard.” “I wish I had more help.” “They really look like they know how to do that better than I do.”
This step isn’t about wallowing—it’s about witnessing. It’s consciously feeling what you feel while acknowledging what’s so.
Step Two: Shift from Jealousy to Curiosity
When jealousy shows up, it’s because something inside you is pointing at what you want. But if you keep the lens locked on what you lack, you’ll miss the opportunity hidden in plain sight.
So instead of staying in, “Ugh, they’re such a better parent than me,” try shifting into, “What is it about what they’re doing that I admire?” Is it the patience? The laughter? The confidence?
Then point that energy away from self-blame and toward desire.
It sounds like, “I want more of that.”
That little sentence is so key. It's where the shift begins, and it’s a whole different feeling from desperate jealousy. Because “I want that” is the opposite of shame. It’s a calling-in of your growth, not your guilt.
We all start somewhere, and you don’t need to know everything today. “I want more of that” naturally leads you to start asking yourself how you can get more of that goodness to show up in your world.
When your nervous system calms down, your creativity naturally starts to rise and your intuition will start to tell you your next steps for what you want. Then, instead of jealousy pulling you under, you would shift it into admiration—and let it call you forward into positive action, one step at a time.
If your brain has shifted into perfectionism and the story that only big changes make a difference, this is your chance to know from the bottom of our hearts that this could be something small like taking a nap with your kid or packing extra snacks that day, or a bigger step like changing your bedtime routine.
P.S. If you’re craving more love and less jealousy in your life, check out our free 7-Day Love Infusion series—quick, low-lift 5-minute bursts of believing in yourself you can fit into even the busiest day.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina, reach out via email at [email protected] or visit mattandcarina.com.
