Matt and Carina’s clients often ask big questions, including how to better manage when they're overwhelmed by parenting and work. But the answers are rarely what they expect.
For this second instalment of The Heart of the Matter—a column focused on answering the challenging relationship and life questions posed by our readers—relationship coach Carina Reeves tackles a question every working parent asks themselves at some point in their lives: How the heck does anyone learn to handle being overwhelmed by parenting and work? Keep reading for Carina’s two-step mindset shift to help you handle the overwhelm that comes with trying to really show up in both your career and parenthood.
Q: I’m trying to excel at career and parenting, but it’s overwhelming. How do other parents stay optimistic and creative in their professional lives while raising kids?
Hi, Carina here. Thank you for your question.
When I was a cellist in a string quartet in the early oughts, we would rehearse for hours. Whether it was Beethoven or Bartók, we needed time to really get the music in our bones, and we needed time with each other to learn all the twists and turns—like where the second violin was leading and when the viola had a solo. We needed to spend that time so that when we were performing, we could just breathe and flow with our instruments, with each other and with the music.
Sometimes, though, we didn’t have as much time to rehearse as we would like. What we learned—through tears and epic fights—was that during those times, what worked best was to choose pieces where we’d already logged the hours. Pieces we already knew, nothing too hard, nothing new. We learned to hit the easy button.
From a certain point of view, it could sound like we weren’t working hard enough. That we were being lazy, lacking creativity and not giving our all. That our efforts weren’t very impressive if we weren’t stretching to our maximum musical goals at all times.
But if the choice to hit the easy button meant that my quartet could still deliver beautiful concerts instead of a crash-and-burn embarrassment, and we would stay connected and feeling like a team instead of running ragged, then I believe that it wasn’t lazy, it was smart. Playing easier and already familiar music (or whatever that equivalent is for you) when you don’t have much time or capacity gives you back the energy you need to show up for the people around you—your partner, your kids, your coworkers—and to have more fun and to keep the quality of what you do as high as possible at both work and home.
In other words, my ambitious, high-achieving friend, maybe now isn’t the time for excelling in your career in exactly the way you imagined. Maybe it’s time to make space for you to excel at having a resilient and positive outlook in this wild season of your life.
I know what you’re probably thinking: What? Does that mean you’re asking me to just give up on my career?
Not at all. I’m asking you to take yourself out of your work and your parenting mind for a minute, in order to access a different perspective.
Defining What Value Means to You
Let’s dive a little deeper into helping your mindset fall in love with doing what works best for you, given your current reality and circumstances. It all starts with one powerful question: Can you feel your true, infinite value? That one question that gets to the heart of who you really are and who you want to be.
Grab a piece of paper or a fresh note on your phone and take 30 seconds to jot down what you really value about yourself as a human being. Here are a couple of ideas to get you started: Maybe you value calling your mom every weekend or helping your neighbour or making a killer bolognese. Focus on what you already value about you.
Done? Okay, great, you’re a rockstar. Now, depending on the age of your children, think about how they haven’t achieved or become any of the things you listed—or very few, or not regularly. And now ask yourself this: Are they still of value?
Close your eyes for a few seconds and feel how your kids have value even when they aren’t doing or being those perceived valuable things. (Do it for real. Close your eyes and feel it.)
Is there any bigger truth bomb than the fact that your kids have unshakeable value? I’m guessing no. And guess what? You have that value, too. Your value is beyond measure. You are more than your job, you are even more than your kids. Take a moment to let that sink in. Beyond any screw up, mistake or perceived deficit, you have intrinsic value.
So how do you take that exercise and apply it to your career and parenting journeys? Well, you can use the heart of the matter (see what we did there?) to dissolve overwhelm and create clear next steps based on both your chosen and inherent value. We call it “keeping the main thing the main thing.”
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing: Step 1
Go back to your list of what you really value about yourself as a human being. Take another look and see if there’s anything else you’d like to add or change now that you’ve felt your bigger intrinsic value. Notice what you feel in your body as you take a moment to connect with each of the things that are important to you. Write those body sensations—like warmth, open-heartedness or peace–on your list too. These sensations are your landmarks. Put this list into your phone or somewhere you can access it anytime.
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing: Step 2
When overwhelm or pressure or perfectionism come up, pause and pull out your list of who you really are. Read through your list, connect with your heart and your intrinsic value, and see if the voice in your head that wants to do more still makes sense. Listen for the answer to have the same energy and sensations as your value list (your landmarks from Step 1).
If it does, go for it! If it doesn't, let it go and trust yourself that in the long game of juggling work and parenting, doing less can be just as powerful as doing more.
So the bottom line is, parenting isn’t forever, and it’s one of the most wildly imperfect experiences anyone can have. But when you look at your value outside of both work and parenting, there’s an opportunity to take a bird’s-eye view of your life. The idea is that, by tapping into what you value about yourself, you can easily see what you bring to others and make decisions at work and home that honour that. Instead of getting lost in all of the things you have to do, and the many directions you’re being pulled, stop and breathe and remember that your best self at any given time is enough and that it’s okay to take the easy road. It doesn’t make you any less valuable.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina or reach out via email at hello@thrivingcouple.life.
