If you suspect your child is experiencing low self-esteem, your worry instincts are probably going to kick into overdrive. But the good news is, there are things you can do to help. We spoke to child psychologist Dr. Kiran Pure to learn about detecting low self-esteem, encouraging self worth and encouraging a positive mindset.
Low self-esteem sucks. Hard stop. And while it can certainly be an issue many of us adults struggle with, it can be devastating to witness or even think about your child having low self-worth, lacking confidence and/or practicing negative self-talk. Here’s what Dartmouth, NS-based registered clinical psychologist Dr. Kiran Pure has to say about detecting low self-esteem in children, encouraging self-worth and the importance of supporting and promoting a positive mindset.
ParentsCanada: Self-esteem is a tough issue, even for adults. And while some of us believe we will easily see/detect poor self-esteem, poor self-confidence and/or poor self-worth in our kids (noticing negative self-talk, for example), many simply don’t know what it looks like in children. So, how do we know if our kids have self-esteem issues in the first place—what should we keep an eye out for?
Dr. Kiran Pure: Self-esteem is a sign of self-respect. Children with positive self-esteem know they have worth and value. They feel accepted by others and think good things about themselves. When children have positive self-esteem, they feel confident, they try new things and they feel okay with real or perceived failure because they have learned to be resourceful. Confident children believe in themselves and can face new challenges without fear, which is essential for a happy and fulfilling life. When they have low self-esteem, they might believe they are not as good as others and think of the times they fail rather than when they succeed. In social situations, they think others will not accept them and they might not join in due to fear. They might let others treat them poorly and have a hard time standing up for themselves.
When you have young children, it’s important to notice how they approach new tasks, observe how persistent they are, how well they enter new social situations, how they cope with making a mistake and how they talk about themselves. Notice if they show willingness to try something new, persist with a new task and try again if they make a mistake, and if they say things like, “Wow, I did it!” or “That was so hard for me, but I am going to try again!” Even if they feel shy, notice if they try to play with new children at the park, for example. Children with positive self-esteem will try new things, talk to a new peer, say nice things about themselves, and they’ll show respect to themselves and others.
PC: How do we foster good self-esteem in our kids? Being a role model is probably helpful here. What can we do to encourage our kids to have healthy self-worth?
Dr. Pure: Children need to develop a secure attachment to their parent(s)—they need a relationship that’s nurturing, unconditional and built around trust. With this sense of security, children have a framework to explore and learn new things, and build age-appropriate independence. For example, if they are riding a tricycle and fall off, they might be hurt, they might cry, but they will get up and try again and keep riding along, knowing their parents are there to help them if they need. My advice for parents is to find moments of quality time to spend with your child. It’s sometimes difficult to find a moment, but it is important for your child. Take time to colour, take time to play with toys, take time to read them a story, take time to bake their favourite cookies, talk to them in the car, etc.—any time is valuable time. Give your children lots of physical affection in a sincere, natural and age-appropriate way.
Children need boundaries for their behaviour choices, and it is important for parents to teach. Boundaries allow children to learn prosocial behaviours and teaches them to self-regulate their emotions. It allows them to develop distress tolerance and move forward in face of real or perceived adversity. For example, if a child asks for a treat and a parent says, “Not right now, it’s almost dinner,” a child may feel upset by the parent’s reply but will be able to cope. Giving children simple choices when they are young teaches them to be confident decision-makers. For example: Would you like to go play outside or colour? Would you like to go for a drive or go to a movie? Would you like to do your homework before or after lunch?
Parents can create a safe environment with a lot of positive reinforcement for prosocial choices and provide limits for unexpected behaviours. Parents can say things like, “I am sorry you are unhappy with my decision, but this is what I need you to do right now.”Positive self-esteem is built around knowing you can cope and that you will be okay. By helping build a child’s self-esteem, you let them know how valued and important they are.
In addition to being a good role model, there are many ways to build a child’s self-esteem. It is important to expose children to new things and help them learn to do things. Tell them how to do something new, show them to do something new, and then do it with them. Through this process, praise them for their effort, not for their success or achievement. Avoid being critical and focus on what is going well and on the strengths.
Parents can also encourage healthy friendships. Allow children to play with peers, teach them to compliment friends and to accept compliments, and teach them to say “no, thank you” if a peer is treating them in an unkind way. Teaching children how to be assertive (say what they think and feel in a respectful way) is critical to building positive self-esteem. They will learn their voice “counts” and what they have to say is important. With this in hand, their self-worth will not be affected when someone is mean to them, leaves them out of play, calls them names, etc.
PC: Is negative self-esteem ever beneficial? Why or why not? This might sound strange, but is it at all motivating in a healthy way, or does it only lead to unhealthy behaviours? For example, a child might say, “I suck at math. I can’t do it.” Might this drive the student to try harder, ask questions or study more often? Or does it just reinforce the fact they feel they can’t do it, and they give up? How can we support the former?
Dr. Pure: When you notice a child is struggling with their self-esteem, remind them of core values such as kindness, patience and non-judgement, and show them how to apply those values to themselves. If they are unable to do a task and feel upset, remind them of these values. “I keep messing up my colouring and can’t do it”can turn into, “I keep messing up my colouring, but I will try again.”This reinforces the value of patience. Or “I can’t wear this top because everyone hates it” can turn into, “No one likes my top, but I love it and am going to wear it,” which is the value of non-judgement.
It is never okay for a child to experience negative or low self-esteem. Negative self-esteem is a barrier to having a positive mindset. A positive or growth mindset allows you to take your mistakes (real or perceived) and learn from them and move forward. A positive mindset also helps you accept your mistakes without judgment, be patient and kind to yourself, and be motivated to try again and harder. A negative mindset shuts you down and reinforces failure. Pulling from the example above, “I suck at math and will never get better at it” is a negative mindset, and it’s different from, “I suck at math, but I’ll get extra help from my teacher,” which is a positive mindset.
PC: What does intervention look like. What do you do when a parent brings a child in with issues around negative self-talk and poor self-confidence? Where do you typically start?
Dr. Pure: Children need the adults in their lives (parents, teachers, grandparents, older siblings) to notice when they don’t feel good. It’s okay to have feelings of insecurity, to question your abilities and to feel sad or worried. It is really important to learn how to deal with these feelings and the situations that bring forth these types of issues. This is called building distress tolerance and resilience. Children who learn to face and deal with age-appropriate issues will develop positive self-esteem. But it’s important to notice when these types of issues impact your child’s sense of self-worth and affect them on a day-to-day basis across many situations (home, school, leisure activities, friendships, sports).
Seeking professional help can be necessary to determine how your child thinks, feels and acts across a variety of situations, and teaches your child (and you) to have a positive mindset. A psychologist will ask questions about the child’s temperament and ways of coping, examine how the child responds to real or perceived failure, how the adults in the child’s life respond to the child’s insecurities, and work toward building skills that can be used over a lifetime to build positive self-esteem, independence and confidence. It’s never too late to learn these skills, but the earlier the better.
PC: What else can we do at home to foster this positive mindset and the values you discussed at home?
Dr. Pure: Building security and a feeling of being cared for is essential. I use the acronym “LOVE” in my work: Listen, observe, validate and empathize. Remember to listen to your children even when you may not agree with what they are saying. Allow them to be heard by not interrupting or multitasking while they are talking to you. For example, stop doing the dishes and listen, put your phone down and listen. Next, observe changes in your child’s behaviour. Is it hard for them to look at you when talking, are they crying, do they look worried or scared? Continuing, validate what they are telling you and how they are feeling. Do not inadvertently discount what they are saying by providing positive affirmations like, “I know you will be okay,” or “This is not a big deal; we will figure it out.” Sometimes these types of comments make a child shut down or believe what they are feeling, thinking and sharing is insignificant. And finally, be empathic. Try to emotionally understand what your child is feeling, see what they are saying from their point of view and imagine yourself in their place. Don’t start talking about yourself and sharing your experiences of similar experiences. Do not say, “I know what that feels like because that happened to me.” In that moment, a child just needs their story to be heard. The LOVE principle can allow them to have a space to discuss anything that’s bothering them and build a positive mindset.
