Welcome to the first edition of “The Heart of the Matter,” a new column where relationship coaches Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard will tackle relationship questions of all kinds. In this article, discover four easy steps to reignite your relationship and create meaningful moments amidst the chaos of parenting.
Parenting is a glorious, messy, chaotic whirlwind. Between school runs, meal prep, the endless pile of laundry and, oh yeah, that thing called a job! It’s no wonder your relationship often slides to the bottom of the priority list. Pretty soon, it can start to feel like you and your partner are roommates instead of lovers—just passing each other in the kitchen, giving quick updates on the fly or divvying up never-ending tasks.
Here’s the myth that wreaks havoc in your relationship: Your kids are the top priority no matter what. But the truth is, the foundation of our families isn’t our children—it’s us. The quality of our parenting relies on our own health and the strength of our relationships to adapt to life’s shifting demands.
Remember the beginning of your relationship? Feeling really seen, adored and connected? Sly winks, stolen kisses and super hot sex. Just the two of you with time to spend alone (remember that?!). But with the arrival of a little one (or two or three), those moments often fall away. So, what we’re sharing now is a super effective way to create more intimacy and connection in your relationship. And before that starts feeling like pressure, we promise it doesn’t take more time—just more intention and presence.
If you’ve been yearning to feel more like a team than roommates, read on for four simple steps to reignite your relationship.
The Mindset Shift: Your Relationship Comes First
When you’re knee-deep in diapers, soccer practices and bedtime battles, it’s easy to think, “My partner will always be there.” Like a sofa. Ouch! Present, reliable, comfortable. But relationships aren’t furniture; they’re living, breathing entities. They need regular care and attention. Without effort, even the strongest bonds start to feel distant or strained.
Prioritizing your relationship isn’t selfish. Your kids thrive when you thrive. And you thrive when your relationship is strong, supportive and full of love. It’s the foundation that allows you to show up as the best version of yourself—capable and confident—and modeling what a connected, loving relationship looks like for your kids (research consistently shows an indisputable correlation between children raised in these families and their own likelihood of developing healthy relationships later in life).
The Tool: Create Instant Connection (CIC)
Create Instant Connection (CIC) is a simple, practical way to reconnect with your partner amidst the chaos of parenting. It’s not about grand gestures or hours of therapy. It’s about creating small, intentional moments of connection throughout the day. And the best part? It only takes a few minutes.
We’re breaking this down into four simple steps, each relating to a different part of your day. These steps are designed to help you and your partner feel more connected—without adding more to your already full plate.
And if you’re a single parent, keep reading, because we have something for you too.
Ready? Grab a journal and set your intention: to notice what kind of connection would feel good at four significant points in your day.
Step 1: Start Your Day with Connection
What makes you feel loved and connected with your partner as you wake up in the morning?
For some, it might be having a cup of tea or coffee delivered to you as you wake. For others, it might be a kiss and a cuddle, even if it’s just for a few seconds. Or maybe it’s hearing “I love you” as you stumble out of bed.
This isn’t about adding another task to your morning—it’s about creating a moment of connection that sets the tone for the day.
What would feel good for you?
Write it down.
Step 2: Stay Connected Throughout the Day
We all know how easy it is to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. But staying connected with your partner doesn’t have to take a lot of time or effort. Whether you work in the same house or miles apart, there are simple ways to feel connected throughout the day and to fill your connection tank.
When one or both of you is leaving the house, include a long hug or kiss as part of your goodbye.
Send a quick text: “Thinking of you. How’s your day going?”
Leave a voice message: “Hey, just wanted to hear your voice. Love you!”
Share a photo or a reel: “Saw this and thought of you.”
Have a quick call: “I only have two minutes, but I wanted to check in.”
The key here is to make it about the two of you—not groceries, not what’s for dinner, not the never-ending to-do list or The Kids. It’s about saying, “Hey, I see you. I’m here. I love you! We’re in this together.”
Step 3: Make Coming Home a Loving Ritual
How do you want coming home to feel? What is a loving greeting that feels so good for you?
It might be a verbal greeting: “Hey, love. How was your day?”
It might be a hug or a kiss on the cheek. (Bonus: Research shows us that kissing for more than six seconds releases oxytocin, promoting feelings of intimacy and trust.)
Here’s a must have: Eye contact is essential. Put 100 percent of your focus on this moment between you. Connect to your energy and theirs. And for the love of all things holy, don’t walk into the house on a phone call. Finish your call before you step through the door.
Whatever your chosen action is, make it intentional. Really see your partner. This small moment of connection can shift the energy of your entire evening.
Step 4: End the Day with Intimacy
Bedtime can be tricky when you’re a parent. Sometimes the idea of going to bed at the same time feels like a pipe dream. Falling asleep in your kid’s bed? Been there. Squeezing out a few minutes of alone time in front of a show? Totally get it.
But whether you go to bed together or not, there’s always a way to end the day with a moment of connection. This isn’t about mumbling a goodnight from the couch. It’s about creating a ritual that feels good for both of you.
Maybe it’s a lingering kiss goodnight. Maybe it’s a hug (at least six seconds!). Maybe it’s saying, “I love you” before you drift off to sleep, or sharing something you appreciate about each other. Whatever it is, make it a habit and do it with your intention to connect. Just ticking a box doesn't scratch the connection itch.
The Magic of Small Moments to Reignite Your Relationship
Creating these moments and weaving them into the fabric of your relationship is the difference between running on empty and feeling like a team. It’s the difference between being easily irritated by one another and feeling supported, seen and loved.
What If You’re a Single Parent?
If you’re a single parent, the idea of creating connection might feel out of reach. But connection isn’t just about romantic relationships. The feelings of love and support can come from friends, family or even yourself.
Go through the four steps: How can you create small moments of connection in your day? Maybe it’s a morning ritual with your coffee and a few minutes of meditation. Maybe it’s a phone call with a loved one after the kids are in bed. Or maybe it’s a moment of self-care—a few deep breaths or a reminder that you’re doing an amazing job (you are!).
Your Relationship Deserves This
Parenting is hard, but remember, you’re in it together. Start incorporating CIC today. Share this with your partner. After all, they aren’t just the person who helps with the laundry—they’re your person. And they’re worth it.
The same principles of CIC apply: Start your day with intention, stay connected throughout the day, and end with a moment of gratitude or self-love.
You deserve it.
Want some extra help? Our bonus worksheet includes tips on how to introduce CIC to your partner and share your desires for connection in ways that feel great, so you can create wonderful moments every single day. Grab it at this link or scan the QR code below.
About Matt and Carina
Meet Carina Reeves and Matt Hilliard—your go-to relationship experts who’ve cracked the code to thriving partnerships. As partners, parents and certified coaches, they've been there, done that, and now they're here to help you transform your relationship with yourself, your partner and your kids.
Struggling to connect? Losing yourself? Their proven blend of practical strategies, mindset shifts, and embodiment practices creates immediate results—even in the busiest lives. They believe small, intentional shifts can revolutionize even the most challenging relationships (even the one with yourself).
Connect with us on Instagram @itsmattandcarina or reach out via email at hello@thrivingcouple.life.
