This holiday season, offering support to your 2SLGBTQ+ child can make all the difference. Read on for crucial advice for parents of 2SLGBTQ+ youth to create a safe, inclusive environment during the holidays.
Forty percent of the homeless youth population across Canada are made up of 2-spirit, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and other sexual and gender minority (2SLGBTQ+) youth. But why? Research has shown that identity-based family conflict resulting from a young person coming out as 2SLGBTQ+ is the most frequently cited reason that 2SLGBTQ+ youth experience homelessness. According to the 2019 Canadian Trans Youth Health Survey, 70 percent of transgender youth reported that their families were not understanding of their identity. Transgender youth—especially those who lack a supportive figure in their lives—are at the highest risk of suicide; however, with strong parental support, the risk of suicide decreases by 93 percent. The holidays can be a particularly challenging time for 2SLGBTQ+ youth, and for many, being their authentic selves or sharing their identity is the difference between being housed or unhoused.
That’s why it’s so important to make 2SLGBTQ+ children and youth feel safe and accepted—every day, but especially during the holiday season. If you’re wondering how to offer this kind of support at this time of year, read on for answers to some important frequently asked questions.
How can I support my 2SLGBTQ+ child (youth and young adults)?
As a parent and/or caregiver, your child’s physical and emotional safety are under your care. Youth—regardless of whether they openly identify as 2SLGBTQ+, have not come out, are exploring their identity or are an ally—are tuned in to the beliefs of those around them, especially their parents. Although your child may or may not identify as 2SLGBTQ+, they more than likely know someone who does. Whether it’s how they, their partner, a friend or a classmate identify, you can create a safe space by telling them that you love and support them unconditionally (and meaning it!). Beyond a 2SLGBTQ+ identity is a child who needs your love and support. Reassure them and let them know how much you love and care for them. Lead by example, demonstrate authentic acceptance of the diverse identities of others, and make an effort to educate yourself on 2SLGBTQ+-related terms, issues and news. It may take some unlearning of preconceived ideas about gender, sexuality and identity, but meaningful, deliberate attempts to learn and adjust your behaviour will convey to your child that they can comfortably explore their own identity and feel safe to be open with you.
How can I make my home a safe and inclusive space during the holidays?
The holidays can be a wonderful time to connect with loved ones, but for 2SGBTQ+ youth, seeing family may also be accompanied by feelings of stress and uncertainty. To create a space where your child feels loved and safe, check in with them and ask sincere questions, making sure they come from a place of love and without judgement. Listen to their responses, and work to understand their perspectives; for example, ask them what makes them feel safe and comfortable at home, as well as what might make them feel unsafe and uncomfortable. If your 2SLGBTQ+ child shares something that makes them feel uneasy, validate their feelings and work to affirm and address their concerns as best as you can. Beginning this conversation may be challenging and uncomfortable at first, but initiating the dialogue will create a space for open and honest future conversations.
“They were trying to tell me what I was and not understanding how I felt.”
—Youth participant
During the holidays, you may be spending time with extended family, friends and loved ones. Before your extended family or friends visit, talk to your child about how they would like to address their identity—if at all—with those who will be joining you for the holidays. It can be helpful to know if they would like you to share their identity with anyone beforehand, if they are more comfortable telling people themselves, or if they would prefer nothing to be said at all. Identity is personal, and everyone’s preferences and comfort level with sharing that part of themselves may differ. In addition, if you feel that your extended family or friends will not act or respond respectfully, set explicit boundaries about what is and is not acceptable beforehand. Consider who you are inviting into your space or whose space you are entering, and how that will impact your child. Standing up for your child is not only in their best interests, but can also strengthen your bond and actively demonstrate that you are a safe space.
What if my family member or I accidentally misgender my child?
Understanding, accepting and integrating identity is a process, especially if your child has recently come out with a new identity, name or pronouns. It takes time to adjust, but if you accidentally misgender your child by using the incorrect pronouns, or if you use the incorrect name/use their birth name after they have chosen a new name, the answer is simple: Apologize, correct yourself and move forward. Before a family gathering, create a safety plan with your child about any potential challenges, and strategize together on how to deal with situations that may occur. This way, you and your child have a plan for what to do if someone intentionally or unintentionally disrespects them.
If a family member or friend misgenders your child or uses the wrong name, politely correct them and move forward. If that person does not correct themselves, continues to misgender your child or use the wrong name or refuses to apologize, you may need to take them aside and let them know their behaviour is harmful and unacceptable. It is important to advocate for your child and align yourself as their ally. Check in with your child afterwards by asking open-ended questions about their experience and if they would like your help.
“Being misgendered feels like being stabbed in the back.” —Youth participant
What do I do if someone makes a homophobic, biphobic or transphobic joke?
While the holidays can be a joyous time, full of memories and laughter, sometimes people try to disguise their prejudices as humour. If a family member or friend makes a derogatory or demeaning joke about 2SLGBTQ+ people or their identities, your child will pay attention to your reaction, whether you realize it or not. Accepting the joke—either by laughing or ignoring it—demonstrates to your child that you tolerate hate, regardless of how supportive you may be in private. Addressing the joke may feel uncomfortable, but it is a critical part of fostering a safe environment for your child. There are different approaches you can take to respond to a homophobic, biphobic or transphobic jokes. One way is to directly address that the joke is homophobic/biphobic/transphobic and is not acceptable. Another approach is to ask for clarification—asking what makes the joke funny or for the joke to be explained requires the person who told the joke to confront its meaning. Further, it is important to remember that the discomfort you may feel addressing homophobic/biphobic/transphobic jokes is likely just a small part of the discomfort your child feels from hearing jokes that target them or their identity.
How do I navigate gift-giving?
The best way to know what someone wants as a gift is to ask them! Remember, you are buying for the person, not for their gender identity or sexual orientation. Regardless of how they identify, remember that your child is the same person they were before you knew about this part of their identity. If they liked books and board games before, chances are they still do, and that is a good place to start. Unless they express an explicit interest in 2SLGBTQ+ gifts, they might not want their identity to define the gifts they receive. And if you are not sure, just ask! If you are looking to gift your child clothing this holiday season, perhaps take them shopping to see what they like—for gender-diverse youth, this can be an incredibly gender-affirming experience. If you are concerned that a family member or friend may give your child an inappropriate gift (i.e., masculine clothing for your transgender daughter who dresses femininely), try to connect with that person beforehand and offer some suggestions to steer them away from gifting (mis)gendered items. By centering your child’s needs and preferences, you are creating a holiday experience that celebrates who they truly are.
We should encourage our children to be their true authentic selves, so that they can grow to be strong confident adults. All youth deserve a chance to thrive, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation, which is one of the reasons that we must work to eliminate homophobia, biphobia and transphobia in all aspects of our lives. This holiday season, let’s use this advice for parents of 2SLGBTQ+ youth and create safe, supportive and inclusive environments for our children.
Dr. Alex Abramovich is a scientist at the Institute for Mental Health Policy Research at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), and an Associate Professor at the Dalla Lana School of Public Health and Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto. He holds a Canada Research Chair in 2SLGBTQ+ Youth Homelessness and Mental Health. Dr. Abramovich is the Director of the 2SLGBTQ+ Youth Health and Homelessness Research Lab at CAMH— www.alexabramovich.me.
This piece was co-authored by Dr. Alex Abramovich and his team, Nicole Elkington, a research coordinator; Michael Silberberg, a research analyst; and Sarah Scott and John Segui, PhD students/research trainees.
