My four-year-old son has started urinating in and on the oddest things. He didn’t like a particular DVD we owned so he peed on it! Then we found that he was urinating in his closet whenever we were about to show our house (it’s for sale). I don’t know what to do. Help!  JANICE K, BURLINGTON, ON

The good news is that your son is letting you know how he feels when he doesn’t like something or when he is mad. The bad news is that in acting out, he’s also telling you that it’s time to start working on ‘use your words, not your actions’ to let you know how he feels.

For many children, the transition from ‘I act the way I feel’ to the use of language to express feelings takes a while and requires parents taking specific action. To start, I would suggest you focus less on the behaviour and more on the real task at hand – using language rather than behaviours to express likes and dislikes.

Saying things such as, “You didn’t like that DVD, but you can just tell me you’re mad instead of acting this way.” This can sometimes model the use of language for him as well as offer a solution to the problem. It also gets him out of trouble instead of in trouble as you help him on his way!

Phrases such as “What would you tell mommy if you were to use your words?” will go a long way in encouraging him to skip the behaviour and the punishment and learn to get his point across.

The earlier we introduce the language of feelings in everyday life, the better. Try to say how you’re feeling, and how you see others feeling in the day-to-day world. This will reinforce the notion of telling instead of acting out.

The introduction of feeling language should be a family activity, and as adults we need to be cautious of moments when we act the way we feel instead of using our words to say how we’re feeling. For most of us, practising while sitting in traffic is a good start!


My daughter is three. Recently, she’s started making strange whenever my mother-in-law comes over. She told me that nanny smells funny and her smile is scary. I try to reassure her that it’s just a different perfume and that her smile is the same. I don’t want to offend my mother-in-law either, but this is getting uncomfortable. How do I handle this?  KYLIE R, EDMONTON, AB

Ask your husband to handle this situation. She is his mother, and things can be easier in marriage if each of the spouses deals with their own family. This can relieve the strain and make for a better mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

Ask your husband to comment to his mom about your daughter’s behaviour and suggest that if everyone just accepts it, the
visits will be easier and the pressure will be off. Children make strange and then they get over it. If Mom asks if there is anything she can do to help (and only if she asks) your husband can suggest no perfume for a while. Keep in mind (and reassure Gramma) that things that are scary at three are nothing to a four-year-old. Besides, four will bring its own brand of interesting challenges!


My son is scared to death of the dentist. I’ve started getting anxious, too, before he goes. He’s had no major work, he just screams and cries when he’s there. I had to hold him on my lap the last time. He’s seven and this is getting too hard. How can I get him to calm down?  CANDACE M, NEPEAN, ON

Visits to doctors, dentists and other professionals can be stressful for the whole family! Let me make a few suggestions:

The calmer the parent, the calmer the child is. Consider having the other parent take your son to the dentist as a fresh start.  Sometimes one dentist is scary and the next is not – think about shopping around. I would strongly suggest that you find a local dentist who specializes in paediatric dentistry. You will be amazed at the difference a specialist can make (toys, kid-friendly, the chair, the puppets) and they will have suggestions for dealing comfortably with fears.

Odd as it may seem, sometimes going to the dentist with a friend (another mom and their child) can take the edge off of the experience – just be sure it is someone who likes the dentist!