Oh Behave : Power Struggles and Constructive Cutting
By Joe Rich
Photograph by: Tim Leyes
SHOULDN'T THIS BE EASY?
My daughter is three years old. I find it takes hours to feed her one meal. She has always been obnoxious while eating. She doesn’t chew the bite; instead, she keeps it in her mouth and sucks it like a candy. I have tried to teach her how to eat without luck. Please tell me what this is about and how to fix it!
As parents, we often play the role of teacher. When we teach a life skill, for instance to say thank you or to flush the toilet, we feel great when our kids ‘get it’ and so do they. When we teach skills such as chewing and they don’t catch on, we can get busy with our own frustrations and forget this is a time to think and question, not react, to something we thought should be so easy.
When we teach we learn a great deal about our children and ourselves. The learning, here, is that this simple task can’t easily be learned by your daughter. Further strategies will depend on what questions we ask and what answers we get.
I would ask the following:- Is this ‘being obnoxious’ only at meals or also at other times?
- Are there other mouth-related issues (breastfeeding, trouble talking, lisping, drinking problems)? That may lead to a medical or health professional who can give this condition a name and a treatment plan.
- Are these the early stages of a power struggle over food (common in many parent/child relationships)?
- Do I need strategies for power struggles with three-year- olds (and obstinate behaviours) rather than strategies for learning to chew?
CUT IT OUT!
I’m so mad at my five-year-old daughter. In the past, on separate occasions, she has cut up photos, her sister’s books, doll clothes and the cord to some of her sister’s toys. She was punished and banned from using scissors indefinitely. Today, she was caught trying to cut the power cord to her Nintendo charger. For some reason, there were scissors left in the girls’ room, and of course, nobody admits to putting them in there. What is wrong with her? How can I ever stop this?
Children are curious and like to cut and paste things. Five-year-olds don’t necessarily have the capacity to think through what they are cutting and what the repercussions of this activity might be. Banning them from using scissors sounds like a good idea, but the idea of removing scissors is a better one. Scissors left in the room is an invitation for trouble and keeping them out of reach is helping her to avoid the current temptation. As parents we need to think of ways we can keep our kids out of trouble at each of the developmental stages. Scissors out of reach forever are a silly idea, but right now it makes good sense.
I’d let go of finding out, “Who left the scissors in the room” and just reinforce the notion that everyone needs to put the scissors away and out of reach until further notice.
In addition to keeping scissors out of reach I would introduce times when cutting is part of the day (making things, strings off of parcels) to encourage the appropriate and constructive use of scissors in the learning process of ‘what not to do’ and ‘what to do’ with scissors and why. The end of this could be a time when your child shows good judgment and can be presented with their own scissors as a way of reinforcing their new learning about the ins-and-outs of what to cut and why.
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