KINDERGARTEN PREP
My daughter is about to start kindergarten and is very scared. She’s extremely shy and I’m worried for her. She’s stopped eating and is having nightmares every night. How can I make this easy for her?
SCHOOL MOM, SUDBURY, ON

JOE: First, let’s establish that she is shy. That’s part of who she is. For shy kids, new experiences can be more difficult. Let’s get used to this now before all the other first-time events come up! There are loads of ways to make this easier and here are just a few suggestions:

• Start by walking her to school and back during the summer, including playing in the schoolyard. You can get to some of the unknowns of the experience she is nervous about. Saying things like, “This is where mommy will drop you off and meet you at the end of the day,” can also prepare and reassure children. Make these walks to the school the times to talk about the start of school. Try to limit the conversation at other times, especially at bedtime – a time of big worry for kids who may be worriers. Saving bedtime for a review of good things in the day is good practice and helps with nightmares, too.
• Find some good books that can help her. Read them yourself before you read them to your daughter to ensure they have a happy ending. Talking about the characters in the book (“What is that little girl worried about?”) can get to things that direct questions (“What are you worried about?”) may not.
• Show her that things she worries about often turn out just fine. For a few weeks before school starts, watch for events and situations that she worries about but turn out to be all right. Highlight those experiences to create confidence in the possibility that things we worry about can turn out okay.
• Speak to your doctor. Eating and sleeping patterns are important throughout childhood (and adulthood, too) so you may want to track this to watch for patterns. Let’s hope it is just first-day ‘jitters’ but, just in case, let your doctor know for future reference if need be.

Making this easy for her won’t be easy for you, but it is well worth the
effort!

DON’T WORRY, SHE’LL BE BACK
My 12-year-old daughter seems to hate talking to my husband and me
now. She rolls her eyes, slams doors and has wild changes in her temper. I know this is part of growing up, but how do I stay calm and attached to her?
SHUT OUT, FREDERICTON, NB

JOE: Welcome to adolescence. My best advice is to divide your question into two separate questions, the first being, “How do I stay calm?” and the second, “How do I stay attached to her?”

You can stay calm by putting a number of new strategies in place:

• Remind yourself that this is a journey and that ‘this too shall pass’. This is a helpful start. Reflect on who she was prior to this stage and know that she’s still in there and she’ll be back!
• Be careful not to engage at every level. There is a danger for parents when they personalize their teen’s behaviour, so be cautious about this. Teens want to talk to peers and not to their parents, but this is normal and not something parents need to worry about. Let them know you are there to listen when they would like to talk, and only insist on them talking when, or if, you get to the big stuff such as drugs, pregnancy and depression. You get the idea.

When you ask, “How do I stay attached to her?” my immediate response is, “You are attached to her.” She is acting out adolescence, not her attachment to you. If you were attached at age 11 and nothing big or traumatic has happened this year, you can reassure yourself that 12 years of attachment can withstand a few years of distance! This is a point at which conversation with other parents (formal and informal) and reading books on the subject of parenting adolescents can be invaluable. Don’t worry, she’ll be back.

WORK WITH ME BABY
My three-year-old is quite aggressive in daycare. He’s been sent home for throwing toys and not sharing. I’m at my wits’ end. He’s an only child, so sharing has never been something he needed to do. How can I get him to play nice with others?
TOY HOG’S MOM, TORONTO, ON

JOE: Take my advice and fire the daycare and keep the kid! You need to work with the daycare, nursery school, school or camp in your child’s life in alliance. This is an example of how professionals can be helpful by working with him, not sending him back to you! An only child who has trouble sharing, needs to be at school learning and practising.

How can the parent of an only child teach, mentor, guide or model this kind of behaviour with their child at home?

• Spend time with other families – send your child to play activities with others (Beavers, Scouts, swimming lessons) for practice; however, the real teaching of this needs to be a cooperative effort between you and the professionals and lay people with whom he has contact over the years.
• Set clear limits for your child to address behaviour (such as, “no throwing”) These limits will work best if the daycare uses the same language to address this.

It takes a community to raise a child. For children without siblings this is more true. PC